Hey folks, Harry here... If you thought I was fond of Vin Diesel, wait till you get a load of Massawyrm here... Sounds like he's smoking more than camels here. Hmmm, wonder if those are one hump or two humps? Massawyrm looks like a multi-hump camel toker if ya get my meaning. Um... what were we talking about? Oh... Oh yeah, XXX - ewwww that's just dirty...
Hola all. Massawyrm here with a look at the much anticipated “end the summer with a bang” spy extravaganza xXx (Triple X for those of you living under a rock). Now it’s tough for me to give an honest review of this film without laying down a bit of info that no doubt will leave me lambasted in the talkbacks, but here goes.
You see, I’ve been excited about this film for quite some time, since last September to be precise, which is when I first heard about it. The thought of an action film starring Vin Diesel and Sam Jackson just got my blood pumping. Now I’m a big fan of both of these actors. Sam Jackson was always one of those “Hey, its that guy!” actors that I’ve loved for well over a decade and a half that culminated into full on fandom with Pulp Fiction. To this day I have one of the British “Pulp Fiction” subway posters with a larger than life Sam Jackson brandishing his pistol as Jules Winfield on my wall here at the Casa de la Wyrm. It’s been on the wall of every apartment and house I’ve lived in since late ’94 (just a wee bit longer than I’ve known my wife). Sam is always the first thing to go up on my walls when I move in. Like a wolf pissing to mark his territory, so do I hang up Sam, right where everyone can see Him as they enter my abode. It’s my little way of saying “It’s my house. Get the fuck out if you don’t like Sam. Likewise, the Sam-Buddha (one of those Taco Bell Sam Jackson as Mace Windu torso cup lids) has been with me for just about three years, always atop my television or monitor. While I haven’t quite slipped into uber-fanboy mode and begun to present offerings to the Sam-Buddha, I still have a strong level of fanboy love for the man.
And then there’s Vin Diesel. Vin’s on his way up. Ever since I first laid eyes on him, I’ve found it hard to resist his charisma as an onscreen presence. Now Vin has his Fans and he has his admonishers. Just a few days ago I had to endure a morning radio program railing into Vin. I felt a rage growing that I normally only associate with certain talkbackers (you all know that rage…the kind that makes you wanna reach through the monitor and throttle them until they listen to reason (or at least your version of reason) or the vein in their forehead bursts.) You see, I’m a Vin fan. I adore “Pitch Black”. I dug the hell out of “Fast and the Furious” and every time I hear Vin belt out “SOOPERMAN!” in the “Iron Giant”, my eyes well up and the tears start rolling soon after. My wife thinks its adorable and luckily I’m not the only one who reacts that way. But I’m digressing.
The week I heard about xXx was the week before I made my first jaunt into L.A. for two press junkets on which Quint had managed to get us on the set of Roger Avary’s “Rules of Attraction”. During that trip I made a few friends who invited me out one night for drinks at a club called Joseph’s. It was an unreal velvet rope club where the Hot Woman to man ratio ran about 4:1. Actors and Musicians where all over the place. Vince Vaughn was milling about. Tobey Maguire was at the next table having drinks with Tara Reid. My buddies were introducing me to people I recognized but couldn’t name. It was positively surreal and a namedroppers paradise.
As I sat upon cushioned bench style seating at a table with my new found friends, downing Coronas as if a law had been passed prohibiting them by morning, a large, hulking man sat beside me with a large group of friends. I really wasn’t paying any attention until we were literally rubbing elbows. I looked over to see who the hell it was with that “Who the hell is this” attitude and it was none other than Vin Diesel. Vin turned around to find out who the hell it was that he was rubbing elbows with and gave me a polite nod. “Hey Vin.”
“Hey Man.” I decided to introduce myself. “Oh, hey Massawyrm.” Now this was a big deal to me. Not that he recognized me, or even claimed to recognize me to be polite, but that he got my name right off the bat with perfect pronunciation. You see, for the four days prior to this, everyone in LA, upon hearing my name, proceeded to mispronounce it in all ways imaginable. Granted most people do on a regular basis, but in LA it seemed to a far greater extent. Roger Avary kept calling me Mephistopheles and Eric Stoltz got as far as the M before he stumbled and said “Fuck it, what’s your real name?” But Vin nailed it. In a crowded noisy club. This made my fucking day.
Vin Smiled and asked “So I guess you heard the news, huh?” No. What news. I’d been without a computer for four days. I knew no such thing as news. “Chronicles of Riddick” he said. “It’s a go?” I asked elatedly “It’s a go. Just signed this morning.” Now this was extremely cool news to me, made even more glorious by the source through which I learned of it. He proceeded to hit full fledged geek out mode talking about just how cool it was going to be. “It’s gonna be about the mythology,” He kept saying. It was obvious he was just as excited to talk about it as I was. We talked for about 20 minutes, drinking all the while, during which I decided to hit him up about xXx. “Oh man, it’s gonna be great. I can’t wait to work with Sam Jackson.” It was then that we both glowed about “The Man” with Vin talking about what it was going to be like to work with an actor of his caliber. He talked about the crazy stunts and I got more and more excited by the minute. Now I’d heard that Vin was one of us, most notably a D&D playing, science fiction loving film geek, and it showed through. He was a geek and proud of it, so of course his cool points soared through the roof in my book. Recently a friend of mine called me excited, just having read Vin’s GQ interview. She excitedly asked me “Did you know Vin Diesel is a D&D fan?” Yup. The fact that he was proud enough to talk about it in GQ of all places just does this geek heart proud. My only question now, Vin, is are you a 1st, 2nd or 3rd edition man?
Vin and his buddies had to leave shortly after our chat but I stayed and enjoyed the crazy, crazy night that followed.
Now why did I bring this up? Was it to name drop or fill space? No. You see, for me it was very hard to separate this movie from my experience learning about it from Vin himself over a beer. It set high expectations and I walked in pretty much knowing that I was going to LOVE this movie. Now had it actually sucked, it more than likely would have amplified my disappointment to aggression, but such is the nature of human experience. We get from movies what we go in with, and hopefully, if the movie is good, we come out with a little more. This is REALLY one of those films in which how you go in will decide exactly how you walk out.
If you’ve yet to watch the trailer to this film, download it and do so now. This Trailer will tell you right now, once and for all, exactly how you will feel as the lights come up and you make your way out of the theatre. Amazingly, in this day and age, a trailer has been cut that does not deceive the audience in anyway, that does not try to sell us something it’s not ready to deliver, that doesn’t just show us the best moments and leave us wanting when that’s all there is that’s good about the movie. No, the trailer is pure, condensed xXx. If you love it then you will continue to love it until the final frame. If you roll your eyes and mutter “Jesus Christ this looks ridiculous.” Then that’s exactly how you’re going to see this film.
Now, this film has been referred to as an X-games James Bond movie, a description that made me wince whenever I heard it. That kind of description just seemed silly to me, especially as it came from many sources that hadn’t seen the movie. Now that I’ve seen it for myself I can say that indeed, it is an X-games James Bond movie. Only, its not ripping off 007 as much as it’s having fun with it.
As the film opens we are introduced to an American James Bond. He quickly dispatches someone, shucks off his clothing to reveal a perfectly unwrinkled tuxedo and makes his way toward a James Bond like escape from some eastern block thugs. Well, things don’t fare so well for James and we cut to Sam Jackson discussing why the agency needs a new kind of agent. A new James Bond. One that isn’t so tired and played out that the bad guys can spot him coming a mile away. Enter Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) and the movie just takes off from there.
While this movie does spin the wheel on the James Bond plot machine and plays by all the rules established back in the sixties for a Bond film, xXx twists and bends the rules and has fun with the universe. While all the major relationships are there M, Q, and the ever-present Bond Girl, everything is just slightly askew. M, or rather Sam Jackson’s Agent Gibbons, likes to fuck with Xander, plays games with him. And the Q, the smarmy MIT grad who makes top grade shit, well, he and Vin play off of each other so amazingly well that it provides some of the best moments in the movie. The best dialog in the movie comes from their interactions.
And then of course there’s the stunts. What would this kind of film be without over the top stunts. Did I say over the top? I meant OVER THE TOP. The stunts get absolutely Re-fucking-diculous at times, so much so that it’s almost impossible to watch them with a straight face. But that’s all part of the fun. James Bond does the impossible. I mean, he walked across the Bayou on the heads of Alligators for fucks sake. Why can’t Xander Cage do something equally as mind boggling? Its almost like a big budget version of ‘Jackass’ at times, as if Vin were saying “I’m gonna beat this guy with a serving tray, deflect a bullet with it then rail slide down stair railing Tony hawk Pro Skater 3 style and come off looking good. Okay, let’s go!” And you know what? He does look good doing it.
Vin is pure, undiluted charisma in this role. Xander is supposed to be this nigh infallible badass that can smirk his way out of a situation and Vin plays it with Gusto. He’s pure action star here. And being backed up By Samuel L. Jackson never hurts. While Sam has very little screen time here, he milks every second he gets for its maximum Jackson Cool quotient. When the two are onscreen together it’s simply electric. Bad dude meets bad mother fucker. Great stuff.
This is one of those kick ass, absolutely entertaining action films the likes of which we have not seen since the heyday of Arnie. Beauties, one-liners, and pyrotechnics galore cut together so it doesn’t drag for a second and never lets you catch your breath. Did I love this film? Hell yes I loved this film. I ate up every goddamned moment of it. I want a metal lunchbox with pictures of Vin flying over explosions on a motorcycle. I want an Asia Argento thermos inside with the tagline “The things I’m gonna do for my country”. I want to eat my peanut butter nanner sandwich at the lunch table and dream of Xander’s adventures. I want a xXX action figure. This is that kind of genre cool. That’s the movie I saw. I was a kid again, watching the last great adventures of James Bond, and I had more fun with it than the last decade of Bond films combined. But, then again, that’s what I went in wanting to see.
For those of you who aren’t going in to see that, well, you no doubt will see a different movie entirely. You’ll find the stunts way too unbelievable. You’ll think the one liners fall flat. You’ll continue to bitch that Vin’s only real acting performance was in Saving Private Ryan. And you won’t share my love for this flick.
So here’s the hard and fast rule for xXX. If you had fun with “Fast and the Furious” and the trailer to this got you all giddy and ready to have a good time, then the Wyrm is giving you a no suck guarantee. If not, well then xXx is not for you.
For those of you with me, see this in a theatre this weekend and get ready for a fun crowd experience. This is definitely one you have to see in a packed house. I’m already looking forward to xXx 2: Double Penetration (not the real title, but wouldn’t it be awesome if it were?)
Now, watch as belligerent talkbacks magically appear below tearing my asshole asunder.
Until next time, friends. Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.
Massawyrm
