Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
A quick note to everyone who contacted me after the last League Of @$$Holes Column, where I asked anyone interested in lettering, inking, illustrating, or layout to contact me... thank you. I am sorting through the bags of mail, and will get back to you as quickly as possible.
In the meantime, those @$$Holes are at it again, and there’s plenty here, so dig in!
Cormorant here, and this week, for a change, we’ll be shining the spotlight on comic books. Highlights of this experimental new format include the following reviews: Village Idiot on CAPTAIN MARVEL, Lizzybeth on ALIAS, Jon Quixote on BATMAN: THE GOLDEN STREETS OF GOTHAM and UNSTABLE MOLECULES, yours truly on DEICIDE and MICRONAUTS, Ambush Bug on THOR and ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN, Buzz Maverik on FIREBREATHER and Marvel’s new mutant book, X-WIVES, and a very special guest review of the JSA trade, “Darkness Falls,” by smoldering boy band, @$$’HOLE.
If the new focus on comics works out, we may return to it next week.
CAPTAIN MARVEL #4
Peter David – Writer
Ivan Reis – Pencil Art
Chris Sotomayor – Color Art
Published by Marvel Comics
Reviewed by Village Idiot
For Christmas this year, AICN’s Vroom Socko sent each of the @$$holes a link to a site that reprinted online issues of Alan Moore’s MIRACLE MAN. This was a nice gesture. For the thinking comic geek, practically anything by Alan Moore is considered gold, in value if not in quality, and the fairly rare and somewhat legendary MIRACLE MAN is absolutely no exception. Unfortunately, the pages just took too long to load and I ran out of patience, and I’ll have to wait until I finally reach the promised land of a cable upgrade (after wandering the 56k modem desert) before I’m able to give them the attention they deserve. But I did get to see a few pages of the comic, and what I saw wasn’t what I expected.
What I expected was something phantasmagorical; something like a reconstruction of the superhero fantasy that pushed the limits of my imagination, causing me to see space, time and reality in new ways. Something challenging, something sexy, something with a lot of misty blue coloring. Something like an optimist’s version of HEAVY METAL MAGAZINE, or maybe something like what I got in CAPTAIN MARVEL #4.
Maybe something like what I got in CAPTAIN MARVEL #4. It’s a bit too early to hand CAPTAIN MARVEL the Phantasmagorical Comic Reconstruction Of My Dreams Award yet – this was my first and only issue. But I was able to form some nice impressions about what I read; enough to give you a review of the book sui generis for those of you thinking about checking it out.
Ostensibly what we have here is another omnipotent superhero trying to come to terms with his omnipotence story, a theme Moore actually did tackle in WATCHMEN with Dr. Manhattan (complete with the blue coloring, although not quite the way I had in mind). Captain Marvel is “a being capable of not only manipulating light and energy, but – on a limited basis – space/time itself”; in other words, he’s a near-god. And so he seems have the requisite disconnect with humanity that goes along with such power, a disconnect that usually manifests as amorality. We’re told in the beginning on the handy synopsis page that Captain Marvel is bent on a “demented quest to bring order to a chaotic universe,” which, if you think about it, is actually a suitable pastime for a god. But Cap seems to be tackling the project on a more grass-roots level; and so in CAPTAIN MARVEL #4, we get to see him flexing his near omnipotence as a member of a very Norse-like intergalactic alien army called the Kree. Through the course of the story, he gets himself mixed up in various intrigues, all the while conducting himself with a cold but obliquely rational demeanor that plays as dry irony. And he manages to get some action with a blue girl.
Meanwhile, Cap is somehow “molecularly” (psychically?) bonded with Rick “you might remember me from THE HULK” Jones, who’s currently in a parallel universe with three-breasted women who have no pupils or irises in their VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED-like eyes. Rick has somehow become a very popular rock star in this universe, a fact that baffles him even as he’s enjoying it. As the story unfolds, Rick begins to find out that his circumstances might be more orchestrated than he’d like. And he manages to get some action with a gray girl.
And so I rolled with it, a little confused since I came in cold, but still enjoying what I was reading. Was it phantasmagorical? Well, yeah. First, let’s give some credit to Ivan Reis and Chis Sotomayor for some pretty beautiful artwork. The clean, sharp sci-fi mise-en-scène colored with its smokey pastels had an ethereal feel, dreamy but not fuzzy. Lovely stuff, almost as pretty as the art in X-TREME X-MEN. And hey, it had plenty of misty blue. (One odd note about the art I should point out is that there’s a scene where woman is wearing a bikini where by all rights she should be naked. A sheet and a hand look positioned to cover any full blown nudity, but I’m willing to bet that these were deemed insufficient and the bikini was added later. This was a bit of a distraction.)
The writing angle is a little more complicated. It seems that whenever I review a Peter David comic, I not only score him for the comic, I end up giving points for the promise of future comics. There were some imaginative ideas here, although not mind-blowingly original. Yet David’s ideas were creative enough to create the fantasy tone I was looking for, one that I feel I could be the right environment for mind-blowing ideas, and in which a mind-blowing element to the story might be just around the corner. And even though whatever fantasy concepts the issue had may not have blown my doors off, the writing still worked on a more conventional level. There was a story here with the Captain Marvel plot, something obviously crafted with one heck of a shocker ending. I’m afraid the ending alone is enough to keep me coming back to check out the next issue.
And so, again, CAPTAIN MARVEL is not what I expected MIRACLE MAN to be – yet. Maybe it won’t be. Maybe Peter David will keep the title parked right where it is, which is not a bad place at all. But maybe he will push things even further, let loose of the moorings even more, and really give us something to deal with. That’s a pretty tall order, but I’m hopeful.
ALIAS #18
Brian Michael Bendis, Michael Gaydos
Marvel Comics
reviewed by: Lizzybeth
ALIAS is my kind of superhero comic. Of course, I was probably never a proper superhero fan – whenever I was reading, say, X-MEN, most of my favorite parts had nothing to do with the action or adventure. I liked the in-between stuff - hanging out in the headquarters, super-powered baseball, the convoluted love lives, the basic interactions between these mythical characters. ALIAS is made up almost entirely of this kind of downtime, where no one actually gets around to slugging it out in the street, and the next global menace is somewhere in the margins. Here heroism is just a job, even a hobby, something else that a person does after their morning coffee and before their next date. Or in the case of Jessica Jones, something that she used to do, and can never quite get away from.
Memorable fictional characters tend to be larger-than-life projections of the sort of people we meet everyday; superheroes are even larger than that. In that way Jessica fits right into the superhero tradition – she may not be working the costume anymore, but she’s hardly ordinary. She’s more dogged, more sarcastic, more weary, more miserable, than any one person could tolerably be in a title purporting to be realistic. Yes, she’s supercynical. And still she gets the job done, as a detective-for-hire working bodyguard duty for Daredevil’s alter ego, or searching for a missing teen Spider-Woman, with general disdain for most and reluctant but dedicated goodwill for a few. This is part of her charm (if such a word can possibly be applied to so prickly a character) and the source of much of the considerable humor of the book.
This issue would be a little short on that humor, with less punchy and more expository dialogue, if not for the club scene. Seeing Jessica get dolled up to investigate a club is the punch line to a 17-issue setup that made me laugh out loud. What a cool, unexpected touch, especially in that she looks pretty good doing it even as she’s longing to burn the place down. What’s even more golden in this issue is the character interactions – “Ant Man” Scott Lang making another appearance as the Most Supportive Boyfriend in Comics, “Daredevil” Matt Murdock’s reserved repartee with bodyguard Jessica, even Alias Investigation’s new skater-teen informants.
Detractors of ALIAS seem to think the title is too talky, but the plot is moving along nicely in recent issues, while making good use of a growing cast of characters both familiar (bonus for good use of an extra-pissy J. Jonah Jameson) and new to the Marvel universe. Current storyline “The Underneath” hints at the disturbing secret in Jessica’s past due to come to light in a few issues, which should keep fans guessing right up to the reveal. Factoring in Michael Gaydos’s underrated artwork, an unusually straightforward and striking cover from David Mack, and the continuing excellence of mainstream comics’ current MVP, Brian Michael Bendis, ALIAS is the best of what Marvel comics has to offer. For once, I mean that in the best possible way.
DEICIDE Vol.1 – “Rage Against the Gods”
By Carlos Portela & Das Pastoras
Published by Humanoids Publishing
Reviewed by Cormorant
Several years ago I read an interview with Simon Bisley, the comic artist and painter best known for his work on LOBO and various HEAVY METAL projects. His art looks like this, and so it came as no surprise when, in explaining his style, he said something to the effect of (slight paraphrase here), “I like to draw naked people with big hunks of metal in their hands.” This, friends, is an artist unafraid to reveal his twisted id. And y’know what’s scary? I kinda understood what he was getting at. Elitist comic snobs sometimes cluck that superheroes are just male power fantasies for arrested adolescents, and while I offer them a hearty, “Piss off! These are actually stories!” in response…the power fantasy element does exist, and sometimes it’s pretty entertaining to turn off your brain and just enjoy those stories that unabashedly revel in it. I’m talking the stuff of HEAVY METAL at its most lowbrow, with massively-muscled warriors, disgustingly cool monsters, gore aplenty, and beautiful naked women. I’m talking CONAN stuff. I’m talking Richard Corben’s DEN. I’m talking naked people with big hunks of metal in their hands!
Which, in a roundabout way, brings me to DEICIDE. No, the title’s not a misspelling of the word “decide” – think instead of such lovely terms for murder as “genocide” and “patricide,” then apply that to the murder of deities. Thus we get “deicide” – the killing of gods. DEICIDE is a graphic album in the oversized, hardcover tradition of European comics, and indeed, it’s an English translation of a graphic novel that hails from Spain. Uninterested? That’s okay - I was too, at first, as most Euro-fantasy leaves me cold. Granted, the level of draftsmanship in European comics blows the rest of the world’s comics away, but the stories have always struck me as an odd mix of pretension and schlock. DEICIDE’s got the schlock part down, but thankfully it passes on the pretension, leaving readers with an entertaining first chapter an epic fantasy that doesn’t take itself too seriously. And the art will knock you on your ass.
The story concerns a tribal warrior named Agon (gotta love those swords ‘n’ sorcery names, though no one will ever top YOR, THE HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE!) living in an otherworldly setting that exists at the dawn of his world’s civilization. The society of Agon’s world might fit somewhere between the late Stone Age and the early years of feudalism, and the villages and clothing have rich, cultural designs that manage to suggest authentic, aboriginal cultures without aping the familiar sources for fantasy settings – ancient Greece, Egypt, Scandinavia, etc. If you’ve ever played the computer games MYST and RIVEN, or those ABE’S ODDYSEE console games, then you can imagine what I’m talking about.
Like any good barbarian warrior, Agon is ruled chiefly by his passions, in this case for his lovely bride-to-be, Aldara. Alas for Agon, he drinks some magical lotus nectar, goes on a vision quest and hunts down a monstrous boar for his village, only to return and find that Aldara has been sacrificed! Those bastard priests! Not only did they kill his true love, but they did it for a cruel death god that the village has only recently begun worshipping! Agon vows to defy the god of death and find a way to restore Aldara, and when he learns that the goddess his village formerly worshipped is still alive and even willing to aid him, he’s ready to set off on an EPIC QUEST! Sound cheesy? Oh, it is, baby, it is – but in a good way. Much of the dialogue is forgettable, but there’s a certain playfulness to it at times that tells me the writer knows exactly how cornball all this stuff is. For instance, when Agon teams up with an ass-kicking lion-man later in the book, and begins to explain the convoluted metaphysics behind restoring his beloved to life, the lion man cuts in, telling Agon, “Okay, okay. No need to go into details.” Fun stuff!
The pair go on to battle giant sand worms and stab the crap out of insect-like larva spawned from the body of a dead giant and accidentally kill a virgin they needed to enter the death god’s stronghold. And they bond, and get tattoos, and ride around on freaky-looking lizards. The plot? The plot is two warriors kicking ass and taking names! There’s some vague subplot suggesting that the lion-man might be a fugitive from his own people, and a cliffhanger ending as Agon enters the demon-infested lands known as the Thousand Mouths of Hell, but really…c’mon…this is a nonsensical fantasy story that exists to provide readers with a fun, R-rated power fantasy and especially to give brilliant artist, Das Pastoras, lots of cool shit to paint. Pastoras’ art combines the detail of legendary French artist Moebius with Richard Corben’s fascination with the muscular human form. It’s amazingly detailed, and his elaborate settings and character designs are worth the price alone for fans of fantasy art.
Final judgment: $15.95 might seem a little steep for a 44-page graphic album that’s just the first part in a saga that may last several volumes, but once you see how the art looks in the book’s oversized format, you may reconsider. As suggested, this is a book for fans of HEAVY METAL, of Corben’s art, of Conan stories, and of elaborately-rendered fantasy landscapes in general. The story is purest hokum, but the tongue-in-cheek delivery is surprisingly winning, and there’s a good chance all the excess testosterone will put hair on your chest.
BATMAN: THE GOLDEN STREETS OF GOTHAM
Written by Jen Van Meter
Art by Cliff Chiang & Tommy Lee Edwards
Published by DC Comics
A Jon Quixote déjà vu
A Jon Quixote déjà vu
An Elseworlds story.
A Batman Elseworlds story (are there others?).
A fin-de-siecle setting.
A familiar literary template.
In this setting, this “new” version of the Batman, custom-tailored to fit his milieu, must go up against a scarred, similarly re-imagined long-term adversary. And confront what it means to be The Batman in such a world.
And now we come to the pop quiz portion of this review. Am I talking about Batman: The Golden Streets of Gotham, or am I talking about 1997’s Batman: Masque?
Perhaps the answer is: c) every single Elseworlds story ever told. That’s what it’s starting to feel like.
And that’s the central problem with the DC Elseworlds stories. Most of them seem so manufactured according to some rigid editorial policy that they barely qualify as stories at all. Take as much of Batman’s origin – most of the time, verbatim – and cram it into this Elseworld setting. Bonus points if you can find some way to wedge Robin or Batgirl or Catwoman into the mix. That’s the idea behind Batman: Masque, which combined the Dark Knight with Phantom of The Opera. Golden Streets of Gotham does the same, only filtered through Upton Sinclair instead of Andrew Lloyd Webber. And we’ve had similar takes on Pirate Batman, Jack The Ripper (vs.) Batman, Arthurian Batman, and even Green Lantern Batman. Once, for a change, we had Superman wedged into Batman’s story, but the result was practically the same.
Queued up behind the Elseworlds banner are limitless possibilities. The myths of these characters could be broken down, and filtered through historical or literary perspectives. The Elseworld could be used to tell original stories, loosely based on the familiar template of these icons – a sort of ‘Just Imagine’ series, as envisioned by Steinbeck or Poe or Shelley.
But instead, all that is different is the setting. The story marches along to its inevitable, obvious conclusion, and all originality has been stripped from the notion a long time ago. We get to see the origin of Batman, tweaked just slightly. In this unionist version, Bruce Wayne is the poor son of poorer immigrants, who, instead of being murdered by a lower-class criminal, are killed because of their wealthy, indifferent employer’s (Joe Chillingham) callus negligence. And then we get the origins of Robin, Catwoman, and the Joker wedged into the plot.
There is a story here. By turning the “real” Batman myth – aristocratic good guy versus proletariat criminals – on its head, the sociological implications of Kane and Finger’s version could have been explored, and new light might even have been shed on the character and his mythos. Instead, we get the same old story told the same old way. The only thing different is the background.
Batman: The Golden Streets of Gotham, is Elseworlds done wrong.
If you want to see Elseworlds done right…
THE FANTASTIC FOUR: UNSTABLE MOLECULES #1
James Sturm: Writer/Designer/Layouts
Guy Davis: Pencils/Inks; R. Sikoryak, Vapor Girl Archivist.
Published by Marvel Comics.
A breath of fresh air reviewed by Jon Quixote
Now, this…this is Elseworlds done right.
It may not be called Elseworlds. Or even What if…? But the principle is the same. Familiar icons filtered through a different lens – in this case the Fantastic Four viewed under the pretense that four similar people actually did exist, and served as the templates for Stan Lee and Jack Kirby’s comic book version.
But instead of using a new perspective to tell the exact same story, Sturm takes the FF’s template, combines it with his new interpretation…and actually tells an original story. Reed Richards is a scientist working for a government think-tank. Ben Grimm trains boxers at an inner-city gym. Johnny Storm is a suburban teenager being raised by his older sister Sue. And Unstable Molecules explores how these four “real” people came together, and, ultimately served as the inspiration for Lee and Kirby.
The result is something fresh and wonderful – and injects much needed life into the tired Alternate Takes premise. DC’s Elseworlds stories lean on their familiar characters like a crutch. You already know who Batman is, who Gordon is, so the archetypes are used to expedite the *ahem* story and give the writer and artist more time to explore the world they’ve (sorta) created.
But in Unstable Molecules, the Fantastic Four are stripped of their iconic status. With that gone, all that’s left are the characters. The very human characters. And, in exploring this humanity, Sturm actually uses this What if…? setting to add something to the mainstream Marvel Fantastic Four. Depth.
Want to see why Sue Storm is the Invisible Girl? Read this comic, and see what her relationship with the “real world” Reed Richards is like. Take away Johnny Storm’s external flame, and the internal flame starts to burn brighter. Watch a real-world Ben Grimm push the people he loves away from him using nothing but a psychological barrier, and suddenly you’ll never look at The Thing the same way again.
I’ve read Unstable Molecules #1 at least a half-dozen times now, and every time I pick it up, I discover new depth or wit or observations that make my jaw drop. The only problem with a comic book of this magnitude is that it makes you realize just how surreal some of your favorite icons actually are, and curse the past writers for not tapping into the depth of characterization that was, apparently, always there.
It’s starting to become more and more obvious that Marvel is veering away from a target audience of young adults. While I have mixed feelings about that business plan, I’ll accept it as long as they fulfill one condition. If you’re going to write adult-oriented stories, they had better hold up to adult scrutiny in terms of their characterization, their plot development, and their context.
While the company should be, at least on some level, commended for the risks they have taken with books like The Truth and a dialogue-heavy Daredevil, ultimately the storytelling has failed to live up to the bar they’ve set for themselves. The books have always been shoddy enough in at least one respect to resemble little more than a kids book dressed in grown-up clothes – a combination that ultimately satisfies no one.
With Unstable Molecules, the bar has finally been leapt over. And resoundingly so – this is a FANTASTIC comic. If the remaining issues even approach the standard of the first one, Unstable Molecules will go down as a seminal work, and perhaps the first true landmark series of the 21st Century.
Now let’s hope someone from DC was reading.
JSA : DARKNESS FALLS
Written By David Goyer & Geoff Johns
Art by Stephen Sadowski, Buzz (not me), Marcos Martin, Michael Bair, Keith Champagne, John Kalisz
Published by DC
Guest Reviewers: @$$'HOLE
Welcome to TRL, that Talkback Reviews Live! I'm your host Busman Whaley, and I've had sex with Tara Reid and Jennifer Love Hewitt and you haven't! Today, in the studio, we have the hottest boy band in the world, @$$'Hole, reviewing the trade paperback JSA: DARKNESS FALLS. Let me introduce the guys and they'll each give you a comment on this great comic collection!
This is Cormorant. He's the driven one, the most passionate about the music business. "Word. This collection isn't just dope, it's pure, uncut dope! This is old school superhero action today."
This is Jonstin. He was recently dumped by Britney for cheating on her and has released an unlistenable solo CD called Quixotified. "Yo! Yo! Yo! Oy! Goyer and Johns are modern writers doing something crazy. Instead of trying to shock the readers or pander to them, they just tell good stories! Superheroes saving the world from supervillains. Superheroes who are well depicted, both visually and character-wise, but aren't a bunch of creeps or perverts. The new Justice Society of America is up against former superhero Obsidian, who wants to bring a shadow universe to earth. Then, in a DIE HARD situation, Wildcat goes it alone against the new, cool Injustice Society and finally there's a wrap up battle against Extant (formerly Hawk of HAWK & DOVE) that made me want to find and read ZERO HOUR. And Black Adam from the Marvel family and the terrorist Kobra from BIRDS OF PREY are also in the mix."
Meet Sleazy, whose cynicism hides a romantic nature. "How come Jonstin gets Britney and Alyssa Milano? I'm in this fuckin' insta-band too! I should get plastic girl singers and starlets. Oh, the JSA? It rocked. In this volume, cool characters like the new Dr. Midnight and Mr. Terrific join. Of course, there's Metron from the NEW GODS. I hate the NEW GODS...and Jonstin."
Welcome V.I., the bad boy of the group. "What do I think of DARKNESS FALLS? You'll never know."
Then there's Ambush Bug, who vows to be the first boy band singer in space. "When I go up, the only comic I'm taking is DARKNESS FALLS. The artists all turned in dramatic, clear and realistic art. You feel like you're watching a great action movie. Those humps at NASA wouldn't get it. That's why I'm riding a rocket built by these guys from online."
And last but not least, the group heart throb, Vroomy. "How'd you get Tara Reid and Jennifer Love? You're not even in a band and you probably don't even own a copy of DARKNESS FALLS."
That's all the time we have guys. Coming up, Destiny's Child reviews the latest issue of ULTIMATE X-MEN.
Title: THOR #58
Writer: Dan Jurgens
Pencils: Alan Davis
Inks: Robin Riggs
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
Well, it’s about frikkin’ time. I’m not a complete continuity whore. I know that not everyone collects the entire line of Marvel Comics and when an earth-shaking catastrophe occurs, I don’t expect it to crossover into every single title. If Ben Grimm farts on the roof of the Baxter Building in this month’s FANTASTIC FOUR, Daredevil doesn’t have to smell it in his own title if the issues come out in the same week. But some things need to be recognized in the Marvel Universe to let everyone know that these guys are flying around and whomping bad guy ass on the same plane of existence.
I mean, for the last year in the pages of THOR, there has been a huge, floating city above the streets of New York and we haven’t heard peep one from the Avengers, the Fantastic Four, Daredevil, the X-Men, or the Punisher, all of whom call New York home. Hell, I’d even be satisfied if Cloak and Dagger looked up noticed. Sure there was an obligatory Spidey appearance that “coincidentally” came out when the movie hit the theaters last summer, but for the most part, every other hero in New York City seems to miss the giant royal palace hovering in the clouds above the Empire State Building. Thor, in his infinite wisdom, has brought the Asgardian home of the gods to Earth in an attempt to show humans how to live the right way. He’s grown sick of being torn between his duties on Earth and his role as the ruler of Asgard, so he decided to eliminate the problem by merging them both together. For the last year, writer Dan Jurgens has killed Odin, given Thor the throne of Asgard and the power of the All-Father, and brought a whole lotta Asgard down to Earth. It’s been a well-crafted tale of earth-shattering proportions, but no one has noticed it but those in the pages of Thor. Well, finally, that’s all about to change.
In issue #58, the shit is getting ready to hit the fan. Thor has decided to poke his hammer into the business of a country that borders Lavertia, the home of one Doctor Doom. The U.S. knows that Doom will not sit back and watch a Thunder God overthrow a country when he probably has plans on taking over the land for himself, so being the world-wide watchdog that the US often is, they enlist Iron Man to try to talk some sense into Thor. This issue is the beginning of Marvel’s first crossover in quite a while. There was a time when an Avengers Crossover of some kind occurred tri-annually. Most of the stories were contrived and stale rehashes of the same old battle. But this time it’s different. Thor has grown too big for his armored britches. The government thinks he needs to be knocked down a few pegs and they are enlisting his comrades to do it. This conflict has been brewing for a while in the pages of THOR and now the rest of the Marvel Universe is going to catch up (okay, maybe not all of the titles, but this story crosses over into IRON MAN and AVENGERS this month). Maybe it was a good thing that Jurgens waited so long to throw the rest of the heroes into the mix. This way, the tension has been building. We understand Thor’s impact on the Earth from various points of view. Jurgens has done a stellar job of developing one of the best arcs in THOR history since Simonson’s run.
This entire “Lord of Asgard” arc could’ve been your typical “Absolute power corrupts absolutely” story. And it is, but so far, Jurgens has shied away from making Thor turn to the dark side with all of this power in his grasp. Jurgens is surprising me in that he is telling a tale that will hopefully make the character grow. Eventually, Thor is going to learn that deities left the earth long ago for a reason and that the realms of man and the gods are best not to meet, but Jurgens is taking his time in teaching Thor this lesson. For the last year, Thor HAS been doing a lot of good. His actions seem to be well thought out and make a lot of sense when you think of them. His magicks have cured the sick and dying. He’s brought vegetable growth to the desert. Thor’s royal army patrols the streets and battlefields of the world. The Cult of Thor has become a worldwide religion. But not everyone is happy with this situation and the tension has been building for a while. Thor is teetering on ruling the world with an iron fist. Even his villains are taking his side for the first time. Thor may not be the sharpest ax in the armory, but when you’ve got villains like Loki, the Absorbing Man, and the Enchantress agreeing with your actions, the guy’s got to start questioning things. But, so far, none of that has happened yet. THOR #58 does its job in that it sets the stage for a major conflict between Thor, the Avengers, and the rest of the world. Hell, Jurgens even throws in the baddest baddie of them all, Doc Doom, for some extra spice. All of the players are in place. The tension is high and I can’t wait for the rest of the crossover to see what happens next.
Alan Davis supplies the art for this issue. As always, Davis draws heroes like few others in the comics world. The title has flipped from one artist to the next in the past few months. An artist of Davis’ caliber might bring in a few more readers if he were to stick around, but I believe he is only on board for the crossover. Davis and his inker, Robin Riggs, brings humanity and stature at the same time to these godlike figures. The battle scenes between Balder and the Warriors Three and the Slovokian Army is intense and well-rendered.
What has unfolded over the last year in this title is something that not too many long-standing comics have dared to try. Thor has evolved as a character. And the evolution is logical and cool to boot. It would be a huge disservice to the character and its fans to have everything return to status quo at the end of it all. I like this new, godly Thor. To have Odin pop out of the shadows to reclaim his throne in the end and make everything hunky-dory again would shatter any and all praise I have lauded for this title in the last few months. For years and years, Thor has been playing super-hero on Midgard while Daddy Odin kept the throne warm. It’s time li’l Thor grew up and, over the last year, he has. No matter what happens by the end of this storyline, I hope this new Thor stays. Despite what WIZARD and popular opinion says, THOR, CAPTAIN MARVEL, and BLACK PANTHER are three of the best written titles that Marvel currently produces. This crossover is a good chance for those who have been missing all of that THOR goodness for the last year to hop on and take a peek at what they are missing.
X-WIVES # 1
Written By Todd Van Dorn
Art By Lance Hooper
Published By Marvel
Reviewed By Buzz Maverik
It seems like these days, Marvel can slap an "X" on any book and it will sell like liquor. Normally, I avoid the current crop of "X" books like the stomach flu, however, I was intrigued when I came across the title for this mini and decided to check it.
Having not followed any of the X-MEN titles since Claremont got fired, I was surprised to learn that Scott Summers, i.e. Cyclops, had married Jean Grey, i.e. Jean Grey (but I still call her Marvel Girl or Phoenix, depending on what I'm drinking). I was more shocked to learn that Emma Frost, i.e. The White Queen, had apparently left the Hellfire Club, semi-reformed, and joined the X-Men. What exactly do you have to do to not make the roster? I'd say that taking part in conspiracy to drive one X-person insane and enslave the rest of the team for experimental purposes as part of an overall scheme for world conquest should get you blackballed, but apparently not. The way Hooper (from the indie comic SURF KING & THE GREMMY) draws Emma, she's younger and foxier than she was when she did all her evil. I could imagine the meeting where they voted her in (WOLVERINE: "She tried to kill us, bub." ANGEL: "Yeah, but she's hot!" BEAST: "All in favor!....The ayes have it!").
Anyway, I was even more shocked to learn that Scott had been having an affair with Emma, although a lot of it was on the psychic plane. I guess Jean found out, since you can't put one over on a telepath, and there was a nasty divorce. Jean hired the She-Hulk to represent her. Matt Murdock was unable to take Scott's case so Scott ended up with Foggy Nelson and got taken to the cleaners. Jean got everything ... the Blackbird, the Danger Room, the ruby quartz glasses, everything.
According to Van Dorn's concise, no-nonsense story, Scott must have married Emma on the rebound (I'm sure you X-fans know all this, but bear with me. As a former reader and fan, I have a lot of catching up to do but the recap in this story helped a lot). The marriage lasted an hour and half. Emma hired Hellfire Club lawyer Harry Leland, now back from the dead, to represent her while, at this point, all Scott could afford was to represent himself. You guessed it, he's paying double alimony. Emma's dating Mastermind (although the pre-affair agreement drafted by Leland forces Mastermind to maintain his Jason Wyngarde persona at all times and forbids him from trying to kill Emma again) and has returned to her world-conquering, supervillainess ways.
At the opening of the series, we find Scott living at the XMCA where he fends off daily come-ons from the likes of Northstar and the Rawhide Kid. He's making good money in demolition, but it's all going to his X-Wives. His son, Cable, wants nothing to do with him. Scott is drinking a little too much, forgetting to wear his optic visor sometimes and destroying whole chunks of the city. For the first time in his life, he's envying his loser brother, Alex "Havok" Summers.
This book has it all and it looks like the start of a bang up series! These two newcomers have captured the desperation of Marvel's saddest mutant, who just so happens to have had sex with some of Marvel's most beautiful mutants. Scott is currently dating X-girlfriend, martial artist Colleen Wing, whom he fears just wants to be X-Wife number three. I like the way Van Dorn and Hooper handle Scott's situation this issue: do I bail my kid brother out of trouble once again, or do I let the Living Monolith imprison him in an anti-cosmic ray chamber?
This series truly takes the X-books into the real world. Or maybe they've been there all along and I should have been reading them!
Title: ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #34
Writer: Brian Michael Bendis
Pencils: Mark Bagley
Inks: Art Thibert
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Reviewer: Ambush Bug
This is the first time I have ever written an ULTIMATE review. I’ve followed Marvel’s latest attempt to hip up their properties for a younger audience since ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #1, bought the first ten issues of ULTIMATE X-MEN and ULTIMATE TEAM-UP, and currently buy ULTIMATES and ULTIMATE SPIDEY. Until now, I haven’t really spoke up about the line. Reading the titles was refreshing at times. The stories were often good. The art, too, was usually top notch. Each creative team seems dedicated to their series and that type of commitment is appreciated in an industry that allows creators to hop around from title to title like my old high school girlfriend used to do with my classmates. But I’m not bitter. Oh no. Not me. *ahem* Anyway. From the beginning, there was this nagging feeling; this itch in the back of my brain that bothered me about the entire premise behind the Ultimate line. Basically, this line was supposed to be the Marvel Universe of the new millennium. I understand that not everyone has been collecting comics for years. Every year a potential new crop of comic buyers is born. These guys and gals want to read a complete story from the beginning and not feel left out because they can’t afford to buy all of those back issues. Marvel is a business and I understand that the dollar says all in the end. The line is successful and it looks like it might be around for a while. I understand the logic and the politics and all of that. But allow me to rant a bit - I promise to throw an ULTIMATE SPIDEY #34 review in here somewhere too.
The main problem with the Ultimate line is that in one form or another, I’ve seen it all before. Sure it’s in a prettier package, but the toy is still the same. Take ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #34 for instance. The current story arc deals with the introduction of Venom, one of Spidey’s most deadliest and over-exposed villains. Brian Michael Bendis is the John Hughes of the comic book world. He’s telling the BREAKFAST CLUB and SIXTEEN CANDLES of comicdom, filling the mouths of the teenage kids that star in the title with trendy words and soap opera twists, but as much fun as ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN is to read, I can’t help but lump his take on Spider-Man in with Gus Van Sant’s take on PSYCHO. It’s all there, plotted out, and easily accessible. All Van Sant and Bendis have done is color it all up for those who are too lazy to dig a little and appreciate the better, more developed and, in the end, more satisfying originals. Now, I know ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN is far more successful than PSYCHO ’98. The stories are well paced, the dialog sounds down to earth and real, but where is the creativity here? Kraven is now Ultimate Kraven, a Crocodile Hunter on 'roids. The Green Goblin is now Ultimate Hulk Goblin. Doc Ock is now, well, okay, you’ve got me there, he’s Doc Ock. But now we have Ultimate Eddie Brock.
Love him or hate him, Marvel U. Eddie Brock (and his gooey, symbiotic alter ego) is a pretty well developed character. Brock’s origins date back to the classic Sin Eater storyline that ran through the Spidey titles years ago. That tale was an intriguing mystery where the stakes were high and no one knew who was going to get out of it all alive. Enter Eddie Brock, a struggling newspaper reporter who thought he knew who the Sin Eater was and published a story about it which was to be his big break, but when Spidey busted the Sin Eater and revealed that Brock pinned the wrong man, his career went down the tubes and a hatred for Spider-Man was born. At the same time, the alien suit that Spidey acquired from his adventures in the first SECRET WARS series turned out to be a sentient, symbiotic life form. When Spidey realized that the suit was alive, he threw it out. The suit didn’t take the rejection well and another mad-on for Spidey was born. Drawn to each other by their shared hatred, Brock and the alien suit bonded together to form a new, major arch nemesis named Venom. He has a face full of teeth and drool and a twisted sense of justice. Now that’s a hell of a story. I can understand people’s unwillingness to go back and read up on that extensive back story, but if I can sum it all up in a paragraph, a half decent writer can rewrite it in a few panels.
Now let’s look at Ultimate Eddie Brock. He’s a college student; a few years older than Peter Parker. They were playmates as children. Their fathers were partners in science and were working on a cure for cancer. Their experiments centered around a symbiotic suit that stimulates the body’s own immune system to fight off the disease, but the technology hadn’t caught up to their scientific dreams yet and the experiments never came to fruition. Bendis has tried to make it interesting by tying Brock and Parker’s origins together, but the tired old “arch-villain has close, familial ties the hero” cliché was played out when Darth revealed the big secret to Luke years ago in a galaxy a ways away. The Ultimate Eddie Brock is also supposed to appeal to the younger crowd because he drinks a lot of coffee, has a soul patch, and listens to reggae. Basically, Bendis has taken the popular elements of the Venom character (i.e. the suit, Eddie’s name) and scrapped the rest in favor of a cliché and pop culture references. And this is what the Ultimate line is all about. The Venom-lite origin story is no where near as interesting or creative as its Marvel U. counterpart. And I’m not that much of a Venom fan in the first place.
But I’ll ask again. Is there anything creative going on here? Isn’t Bendis just re-writing it all, placing in pop culture references, and masquerading it as a new gift with a new artist decorating the wrapping paper? I’m not going to lie. I like the title. It’s an entertaining read, but I’d much rather see a creative team of this caliber do some real Marvel stories set in the real Marvel U. and stop churning out these knockoffs and retreads. With the increasing popularity of trade paperbacks, why doesn’t Marvel just push the original stories in slick new trades for these new customers who don’t want to be bogged down with high priced back issues?
One last thing before I go. One of the reasons I liked this title was that it took the place of Busiek’s often great UNTOLD TALES OF SPIDER-MAN series. That series visited Parker in High School. It showed the Peter Parker that everyone remembers, knows, and loves. It followed continuity and built upon it, while giving the audience a teenage star to identify with. ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN started out the same way. It was fun to see Spidey get bit for the first time by that spider. It was fun to see the first appearance of Doc Ock and that look on Peter’s face when he first realized that Norman Osborne was the Green Goblin. Those stories happened years before I was born. I only read about them in reprints and appreciated reading them in this new format. I can see the appeal this title has for a younger audience. But now we are just 34 issues into this new and updated Marvel Universe and we are already introducing characters like Venom and, in the pages of ULTIMATE X-MEN, Gambit. These characters debuted less than fifteen to twenty years ago. Pretty soon, this new and fresh Universe is going to have that “not so fresh” feeling, and what happens then? What happens when (dare I say it?) this new Ultimate continuity gets as twisted as the one of the old Marvel U.? Do we have an ULTIMATE ULTIMATE UNIVERSE to take place of the one that grew stale in just three short years? If retelling old stories is all these creators have up their sleeves with this line (i.e. the ELEKTRA/DAREDEVIL mini that retells Miller’s DD and Elektra story and the ULTIMATE WAR mini which is basically retelling the AVENGERS/X-MEN miniseries from years ago), then this New U. is going to be fading fast.
Now that my rant is over and done with, I have to end this on a positive note. Issue #34 is not the strongest Ultimate Spidey story. It is filled with clichés (the aforementioned “hero related to the villain” cliché), moments that are just dull and overly-saccharine (the flashback from last issue at the picnic) and elements that seem out of character for Peter (Peter’s hasty and contrived reaction to his father’s video tape in this issue). But ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN is by far the best of the Ultimate line. Bendis tells a page-turning story. Bagley is drawing his best work ever. The title looks good and reads good. It’s just too bad that it’s all been done before.
FIREBREATHER # 1
Written by Phil Hester
Art by Andy Kuhn and Bill Crabtree
Published by Image
Reviewed by Buzz Maverik
I'm always on the look out for new books and characters to tell you people about, so most of the comics I bought last year have a number one on the cover. Which beats the hell out of a number two, when you think about it. Telling you about the new number ones is what I'm here for. What you do with them could be what you're there for, but I kind of doubt it.
Image Comics, which is one of the ones that isn't Marvel or DC, is putting out a new line of superheroes. FIREBREATHER, written by Phil Hester, who did the art for Kevin Smith's GREEN ARROW, is one of the first. It's about of put-upon teenage guy on his first day at a new school. The unique thing about this young dude, Duncan, is that his father is a Godzilla-type monster that levels cities and who hooked up with Duncan's human Mom while squashing St. Louis. Duncan is human sized and basically bipedal (no, that doesn't double his chances of getting laid) but resembles his Dad in terms of orange, scaly skin and little bat wings. In the book's best line, a drunken high school bully refers to Duncan as a "circus peanut bastard". He does look sort of like a circus peanut, those orange, peanut-shaped candies.
Hester does a great job capturing the horrors of high school. Kids can be cruel, they say. Kids can be monsters. Monsters can be funny some times, scary other times.
Hester's little monster kids have a very modern feel. He's not just recreating the early days of SPIDER-MAN here.
Recreating the early days of SPIDER-MAN seems to be the major flaw in the new wave of Image superheroes. The first wave of Image superheroes was mainly a recreation of the X-MEN during each of the artist/creators' runs (WILD CATS, CYBERFORCE, YOUNGBLOOD, etc.). We've already seen SPIDER-MAN/GREEN LANTERN in Image's TECH-JACKET, but FIREBREATHER is just cool enough to escape an easy label like SPIDER-MAN/GODZILLA JR. Looks like we've got another early SPIDER-MAN recreation coming up with INVINCIBLE # 1 later this month.
I know that these young male characters are supposed to be types that the average comic book reader can relate to, but they're a little too similar for my taste. When I was a kid, I did appreciate seeing characters like myself but I also liked adult characters who were the kind of men I wanted to become, like Daredevil, Iron Man, and Batman.
The writing is good, but the best thing about the book is the art by Andy Kuhn with color by Bill Crabtree. The monsters are big and weird. Kuhn is his own man, but I'll bet he loves the art of Jack Kirby, Mike Mignola and Walter Simonson, three of the best influences any comic artist could have today. Kuhn draws the best monsters since Kirby! I'd like to see him do a FANTASTIC FOUR or THOR arc. Maybe he has, for all I know.
There you have another "number one." Remember: great looking monsters and the hero gets called a "circus peanut."
MICRONAUTS #4
Writer: Scott Wherle
Artist: E.J. Su
Publisher: Image Comics
Reviewed by Cormorant
In the late 70’s and early 80’s, I read my brother’s handful of early MICRONAUTS issues and really liked what I read. The underrated Bill Mantlo, a stalwart of Marvel superhero comics in that era, couched the series’ action in STAR WARS-influenced space opera with a surprisingly dark edge. As he would later do with ROM, he elevated the series beyond its dubious toy-based roots to become as solid as any other comic Marvel was publishing at the time. Much of MICRONAUTS was derivative of 70’s sci-fi movies, but in a superhero-saturated medium it still felt fresh and innovative, and it didn’t hurt that the series attracted some of Marvel’s finest artists of the era (notably Michael Golden and Butch Guice). Eventually I tracked down the entire series and discovered that there were plenty of weak points as well, but when MICRONAUTS hit its peaks, it was as close as comics have come to recreating the wit, adventure, and beloved characters of STAR WARS.
Now it’s some twenty years later and MICRONAUTS is back under a new publisher, riding the soon-to-crash wave of 80’s nostalgia. This revamped take on the book comes complete with a new cast that vaguely mirrors the old favorite Micronauts originated at Marvel, and likewise has our motley cast of space heroes facing off against the dread Baron Karza, a Darth Vader knock-off of the highest order. The good news: as with most of these 80’s revamps, the writer’s enthusiasm for working with a property that no doubt thrilled him as a child is palpable and even a little infectious. The bad news: as with most of these 80’s revamps, the writer’s enthusiasm in no way makes up for a general level of amateurishness and a pacing that just draaaaaaags. It’s almost annoyingly trendy to diss modern comic writers for taking five and six issues to do what used to be done in one, but my god does the new MICRONAUTS support that sentiment! The original series actually opened with a then-unheard of twelve-issue epic, but even by the end of the first issue, the basic plot and the principle players were all established and there was a terrific momentum. With the new book, we’re now four issues in and I still feel like the chessboard’s being arranged for play. There’s action in every issue, but the fact that so little is known about anything that’s going on makes for a stifling read.
To recap: In the first issue, twenty-something Ryan Archer, son of the great scientist Dallas Archer, is abducted by alien stormtrooper-types when his pappy opens a dimensional rift as part of an experiment. Ryan finds himself on an alien world covered with futuristic cities and dominated by the iron grip of Baron Karza. Shorthand overview: Karza = Ming the Merciless and Ryan = Flash Gordon. Rebellion to follow…eventually. And I say ‘eventually’ because Ryan, a hero so bland that Freddie Prinze Jr. would actually spice up the role if he brought it to the big screen, doesn’t even escape from Karza’s slave-pens until this fourth friggin’ issue! You heard me right – he was a captive for *three issues*! Worse yet, he’s still utterly clueless about what’s going on. That was a hilarious counterpoint to action hero clichés when Kurt Russell did it in BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA, but Kurt had personality, and personality goes a long way. Here the “inept hero” approach is just plain annoying. Maybe this Ryan kid will one day become a great rebel leader and overthrow Karza, but at this pace…well…imagine if Luke was still trying to rescue Princess Leia from the Death Star by the time RETURN OF THE JEDI rolled around.
Issue #4 is pretty much an all-action issue, focusing on Ryan’s breakout alongside a motley crew of prisoners, several of them destined to become supporting players. It’s one big running fight, and features a few moments of inspired STAR WARS-style action, a few moments where the storytelling was weak enough that I couldn’t tell what was going on, and a fair amount of bad dialogue (even by STAR WARS standards). There’s lot of awkward exposition, a horrible rallying speech from one of the prisoners that, impossibly, actually rallies everyone, and several bits of techno-babble that should’ve been excised completely. Economy of storytelling is paramount for space opera stories, as the fast pacing keeps readers from subconsciously noticing how silly everything is, and MICRONAUTS just doesn’t have it. By this time in the story, several of the heroes should be resonating with me, but the writer’s taken so much time to establish the setting, the supporting players, and especially the villains, I find that no one person has really had enough screen time to grow on me. I need a Luke or a Han, and all I’m getting are Landos!
Final judgment: Considering my fondness for the original MICRONAUTS series, I should be an easy sell on a book like this. I’m predisposed to like the characters and setting, and all I demand is a certain degree of workmanlike professionalism. Unfortunately, as has been the case with every single 80’s retro property, straightforward and concise storytelling seems painfully elusive. What MICRONAUTS has going for it is slick art and production values and the novelty of being one of the few non-CrossGen sci-fi comics, but without a compelling story and characters, it’s just one more retro title to put behind me.
Special Guest Edition of THE @$$HOLE CASTING COUCH, by Buzz Maverik!
Comic books are the hottest movie properties in Hollywood right now, and the new X-WIVES mini-series is no exception. You'd think that the X-MEN characters would be tied up in their own franchise, but the geniuses at Marvel Entertainment have found a way around that.
So, without further adieu, we have potential casting for X-WIVES:
Scott Summers / Cyclops : David Schwimmer. He's the right age and he has experience playing a guy who gets divorced a lot.
Jean Grey-Summers: Ashley Judd, a great looking redhead whom you probably wouldn't want to piss off in real life.
Emma Frost-Summers: Charlize Theron, a great looking blonde whom you probably wouldn't want to piss off in real life.
Alex Summers / Havok : Jason Biggs. He looks like he could be Schwimmer's younger brother.
The She-Hulk: A CGI-enhanced Demi Moore, a great looking brunette whom you probably wouldn't want to piss off in real life. She has a killer bod and has played a lawyer before.
Foggy Nelson: I don't know why Sean Astin would want to play him so badly, but here's his chance.
Harry Leland: Our own Harry Knowles as the red haired Hellfire Club lawyer who was once flattened by Wolverine.
Northstar: Was there ever a part more perfect for Rupert Everett?
Professor Abdul / The Living Pharaoh / The Living Monolith: Osama Bin Laden. Sure, he's never acted before but he'd have the accent down and I think he'd make a great, omnipotent, deranged cosmic powered mutant.
