Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.
By now, hopefully you’ve all taken a look at the official site for FREDDY VS. JASON, where they’ve got the pretty darn cool teaser poster as well as a great gallery of stills and some other goodies. The trailer for the film should be popping up there very soon, since it’ll be released to theaters next week, just in time for THE MATRIX RELOADED. It’s not attached, so there’s no guarantee you’ll see it on every print, but it’ll be shipping in the can with the film, and you should keep your eyes peeled.
Mr. Beaks, that slippery bastard, has already had a look at the film for himself, and here’s his take on how well one of fandom’s long-time fondest dreams has turned out. For the record, though, he’s wrong. FRIDAY THE 13th PART 2 is the best of the series (back before the hockey mask, when Jason was just a deformed hillbilly motherfucker and still scary), and THE FINAL CHAPTER is a close second. Anyway... here’s Beaks:
FREDDY VS. JASON (d. Ronny Yu, w. David S. Goyer, Damian Shannon, Mark Swift)
In the wake of Neill Cumpston’s media coming out party (for those of you who missed it, our Ritalin-deprived pride and joy got quoted by Howard Stern and Peter Travers last week), I feel inadequate to review this film. Now, don’t get me wrong here; I’m no elitist. I love the FRIDAY THE 13TH and NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET series with fairly equal ardor, though I must admit, by merit of its maiden installment – a genuine horror classic – Craven’s franchise has the prestige edge, especially since the best Jason movie, THE FINAL CHAPTER, is most noteworthy for Tom Savini’s go-for-broke gore f/x and Crispin Glover dancing to imitation 80’s synth-pop. But to fully convey the success or failure of the slasher film equivalent of KING KONG VS. GODZILLA (sans the culturally sensitive alternate endings), I feel almost required to bellow out a full-throated “This movie breaks into your bedroom and shits in your sock drawer while you’re passed out from a Cuervo-and-pussy binge with two diseased Haitian whores who carved Utah’s state motto onto your testicles with rusted pinking shears.”
That is, I would if the film deserved it.
Now, now... calm down. The movie’s fine. It’s exactly what we should expect from a film entitled FREDDY VS. JASON, and it’s actually much better than most of the sequels in each respective franchise. It’s quick, brutal and pretty tongue-in-cheek, and it doesn’t skimp on the promised serial killer throwdown. Yes, New Line finally stuck their ELM STREET chocolate in their FRIDAY THE 13TH peanut butter, and damn if it ain’t a taste delight with nearly every bite so long as the boys are hacking and slashing at one another. But there’s a sense that they could’ve done better. It seems that this project has been churning in the development digestive system since AICN’s ID4-background infancy (stories on FREDDY VS. JASON reach back all the way to November 1997). There’ve been reports both good and bad on the various scripts and treatments, the feeling always being that New Line was waiting for that perfect match of script and director to nail whatever quirky sensibility this pop-cultural mélange of murderous mayhem needed. After his modest success with BRIDE OF CHUCKY, Ronny Yu (a Hong Kong fan favorite for THE BRIDE WITH WHITE HAIR) was deemed the project’s ringmaster, and, at long last, the film went before cameras. And while I fully expect the picture to be embraced by the fanboy faithful, the question will remain: was this *really* the best script they had?
The film kicks off with Freddy bringing us up to speed on his sorry situation. It seems folks on Elm Street have forgotten about him, and his banishment from their sub-conscious has put him out of business, leaving the poor child murderer kicking around the depths of Hell without a proper gig. But if these films have taught us anything, it’s that where there’s an undying psychopathic will, there’s a wholly implausible way, and Freddy finds it in the apparently immortal killing machine of Jason Vorhees, whom he transplants to his old Elm Street stomping grounds for some delinquent teen slayin’ fun. Sure enough, as soon as the first corpse turns up – a bravura kill that shall heretofore be known as the Craftmatic Adjustable Death – the name Freddy Krueger is uttered again. Problem is it’s spoken by Tim (James Callahan), a guest at the local Chez Gaga, who happens to be heavily medicated buddies with Will (Jason Ritter), the ex-junior high sweetheart of Lori (Monica Keena).
When Will sees a body bag being rolled out of Lori’s house on the local news, he busts out of the nut house with Tim to go warn his prepubescent flame of the Krueger legend, which has been thoroughly written out of the town’s history. In other words, Will is inadvertently playing right into Freddy’s steel-clawed hand. Pretty soon, Freddy’s revitalized and ready to make his big slasher comeback, but there’s a catch: Jason is still making homicidal hay on his turf. So before Freddy can get down to business, he’s got to eliminate the masked one, which, as we know, is a tall order that even the formidable likes of Corey Feldman couldn’t fill. Call up Michael Buffer and, “Let’s get ready to rumble!!!”
Probably the biggest controversy surrounding this project has been New Line’s decision to sack the Olivier of Jason Vorhees portrayers, Kane Hodder, in favor of another, less-flashily-monikered stunt man, Ken Kirzinger. The studio’s alleged rationale was that Kane lacked the emotive reserves crucial to making Jason the kind of maniacal mongoloid that could elicit the audiences’ sympathies. (Where’s David Warner when you need him?) So while Jason is definitely the underdog in this brawl (if only because he’s in the other guy’s arena for most of the film), with the script making more references to his tragic drowning as a child than we’ve seen since the early installments in the series (including an appearance from his mother, who, apparently, is *not* played by Betsy Palmer this time out, but Paula Shaw), the difference in Kirzinger’s performance from Hodder’s seems negligible. Take that as you will.
The biggest problem with FREDDY VS. JASON is in its puzzling decision to cram so much listless backstory into what should be a fairly simple genre package. Do we really care about Lori and her sinister father, who may have had Will committed to cover-up the murder of his wife? It’s not enough to have two insanely prolific mass murderers prowling the neighborhood; we have to add in a case of potential uxoricide? C’mon! This isn’t Agatha Christie; it’s FREDDY VS. JASON! Why clog up the works with superfluous plotting that serves only to delay the massacre? This thing should be nothing but jump-scares and buckets of blood, with plenty of laughs scattered throughout. It certainly seems as if that’s what they had in mind when they cast the film. After all, why bring on such solid comedic performers like Lochlyn Munro or Monica Keena (who, I think, really found her calling on UNDECLARED) if you’re going to have them play against their strengths? With this kind of uninspired writing, they might as well have cast a group of girls less likely to insist on a no-nudity clause.
But when you get right down to it, FREDDY VS. JASON does deliver on the basic genre requirements. Gratuitous gore? Check. Tits? Check. One or two inventive kills that draw rapturous, bloodthirsty applause from the audience? Check (there’s a nice homage to the mid-coital spearing from PART II). Do I wish they would’ve put a little more thought into the script? Yes, but that extra effort wouldn’t have paid off at the box office. There are more than enough trailer-friendly shots in this film with which the marketing folks at New Line will be able to whip the target audience into a drooling frenzy by the time August 15th rolls around. As for once they’re in the theater… sure, the imbecilic subplots will leave ‘em groaning derisively for the first two-thirds, but when the final showdown at Camp Crystal Lake arrives, all will be forgiven. It’s a goddamn bloody mess. (BTW, dig that STREET TRASH bit with the gas tank.)
So keep your expectations tempered, if you’re at all capable of that, and I think you’ll have a good time. For all my high falutin’ grievances, I must admit that I, more or less, got what I came for. Perhaps the highest compliment I can bestow on FREDDY VS. JASON is that, when Neill Cumpston sees it, he’s going to befoul the theater like it’s a circa-1980 Times Square grindhouse unspooling a Russ Meyer double feature. On the off-chance you might find yourself in the cinema that day, I suggest you wear a sturdy pair of hip waders and swab a hefty dollop of VapoRub under your nose. It’s gonna get ugly.
Faithfully submitted,
Mr. Beaks
Just so you can try to get an idea of how close to Beaks you might be when you see it yourselves, here’s another review of the film that we got from “John Hellway”:
Harry/Mori,
Here is a review of the May 7 test screening of Freddy vs. Jason. I didn't see a review online yet so I thought I'd toss in my two cents. The movie was unfinished and didn't really have an ending (at least one that I understood) so keep that in mind when you read this. I'm sure a lot of stuff will change before this comes out this summer. SPOILERS follow. Call me John Hellway, Quarterback of the Damned.
My thoughts:
After a decade, Freddy is finally back on the screen and I'm happy to say he's better than ever. I remember seeing the first Elm Street in Denver when I was in high school and was hooked on the series from then on. I was curious to see if Freddy could still work in 2003 as audiences have moved on to creepier stuff. Happily, Robert Englund returns to the form of the early Elm Street movies and, I think, gives his best performance yet. This isn't the plastic looking old man of the later sequels, this is Freddy the way we want to remember him. This Freddy Krueger is scary, vicious, funny and really really pissed.
Why is he pissed you ask? Basically the parents of Springwood have conspired to eliminate Freddy as a threat. They lock up all the children who know about him (in Westin Hills, the hospital from Elm St 3 no less) and dope them up on a drug that prevents dreams. Freddy is forced to search "the bowels of hell" and finds someone he can send to instill the fear back into the town: namely Jason from Friday the 13th.
Regarding Jason... To be honest, I don't really know a lot about this guy. I haven't seen a full F13 movie other than the one with Horseshack from Welcome Back Kotter (which one was that talkbackers?). In my opinion Freddy always had more personality and made Jason suffer by comparison. Having said that, this Jason was fucking awesome. He slices, dices, shreds, impales, collapses, crunches and flat-out destroys anything (or anyone) in his way. This Jason is a seriously big mother fucker and he makes Freddy look like a little pussy when they stand next to each other once the fight moves to the real world.
Anyway, Freddy sends Jason to Elm Street where he is supposed to kill some kids and spread the fear around town (because it's Springwood everyone assumes Freddy is the killer) so he can get the power to come back. Jason of course gets greedy and starts killing all over the place. Finally Freddy, by messing with Monica Keena and her friends, gets the power to kill again. At that point the shit is on!!
The last third of the movie is all action with Freddy and Jason attacking each other in the dream world and the real world. There are some cool exchanges, some great Freddy smack talk (he has a line on Kelly Rowland from Destiny's Child that is fucking hilarious) and lots and lots of the red stuff. I haven't seen House of 1000 Corpses yet but between that and this movie it is going to be a good year for gore fans.
So hear's what I liked:
Flat out, the big fight is the baddest bloodiest brawl I've seen on film. It has two parts (dream world and real world) and they literally tear each other to pieces.
Lots of blood and lots of tits. Two things we don't get enough of in movies anymore.
The look. My biggest surprise was that this actually looked like a "real" movie, not a cheap product like the later Elm Street movies (or ANY of the F13 movies IMO). There's actual production value here, so it seems like New Line wants this one to break out. The Freddy makeup is great (similar to pt 1 and 3) and Jason actually looks scary instead of goofy.
I loved the opening, which has cameos (in flashbacks) from Nancy, Alice, Kristin and a few more popular characters from the Elm Street series. Freddy basically tells his story and it was so cool to see those scenes on the big screen again. I'm a fan, so it was nice to see a little touch to connect this crossover to the old movies.
What I didn't like:
The ending made absolutely no sense and ended out of nowhere. Totally killed my buzz walking out. I'm assuming there was something missing. The test screening people made a point of telling us before the movie that the movie wasn't done yet so I hope this can be changed.
The main girl, Monica Keena, is a really shitty actress. She looks like she's about to cry in every scene (probably from the strain on her bra). She made Kelly Rowland look like Angela Bassett.
To sum it up:
Finger knives. Machetes. Tits. Geysers of blood. Pot smoking. Fight of the century. It was like going back to 1985 again (and I mean that in a good way).
If you're a fan of either character, this is probably a * * * * * movie. If not, I'd say it's a * * * flick, for the fight and action alone. If they can fix the end of the movie I think New Line has a chance to do pretty good against the shitty late August movies (SWAT is gonna suck suck suck).
Go Broncos!!!
I really liked Keena on UNDECLARED and thought she was preposterously cute, so I don’t know if I’m buying the whole “really shitty actress” thing. Between her and Rowland, it’s a damn cute cast, and it sounds like the film has a lot of fun to offer. Good to hear.
"Moriarty" out.
