I am – Hercules!!

Somebody forwarded us something purporting to be the first-draft teaser and first act of this autumn’s “Angel” season premiere. It could be the real deal, it could be the real deal with some fan-made changes, or it could be some fan’s complete fabrication.

But if it’s 100 percent fabricated, I can tell you this is the finest bit of fan fiction I’ve ever read. Mind you, there are a few slightly suspicious components – but if this turned out to be an actual first draft, Herc wouldn’t be overwhelmed with shock.

If it’s the real script, I will say it sounds like big fun and a swell start. And it’s festooned with major spoilers, so somebody better turn on the invisotext machine, pronto.

* The first characters we see are Buffy and Spike. It’s a flashback to Spike’s final moments over the Sunnydale hellmouth. Spike goes all bright and dusty, then:

* The first new scene is set in Wolfram & Hart’s “White Room.” It’s somebody’s point of view. Somebody on his or her back. Winifred, Charles and Wesley are all peering down. None of the trio has ever seen this mystery-person before, but Wes seems to have a pretty good idea who it is. Angel arrives and eliminates any abmbiguity with a single-word: “Spike.” No more POV. Spike naked save a familiar-looking amulet, turns groggily toward Angel and mutters, “Oh … bloody hell.” He hear a violin and the title credits roll.

* Actually, before the big reveal, the first thing we hear in the White Room POV shot is heavy breathing. But when we see Team Angel hovering, none of them seems to be breathing very hard.

* When Angel offers Spike a cup of blood in the law firm’s examination room, Spike says he actually feels like a chocolate shake.

* The second Spike learns Buffy survived the big doings in what used to be Sunnydale, he starts off to find his true love. But Angel won’t let him leave until he can figure out why Spike is still alive. “Oh reeaaly?” asks Spike. “And are we sure that’s the reason now?” Angel also wants the amulet back, since it’s technically Wolfram & Hart property. A big Spike-Angel fight ensues.

* There is much shattering of law-firm glass. As the Spike-Angel fight grows more intense, Angel goes into vamp-face. Spike tries to do the same, but finds he can’t!

* Angel manages to yank the Amulet away from Spike. Spike begins gasping and turning blue. “Angel, the amulet,” cries Wesley. “I think he needs it. He’s dying.” Angel hesitates, but Fred reminds Angel that Spike just finished saving the world.

* Angel returns the amulet and Spike’s complexion immediately turns rosier. “His breathing is returning to normal,” advises Wes. “‘Breathing?’” asks Fred.

* Angel rips a giant mirror from the wall. He can’t see himself in it, but Spike casts a reflection!

* Lilah turns up with Spike’s blood test. The DNA matches what the Initiative took out of Hostile 17 four years ago, but the amulet seems to have “cleansed” the vampire right out of Spike. He’s all human now!

* Wes remembers the Shanshu prophecy. “When that a souled vampire fulfills his destiny – whatever that may be – he becomes human.”

* But if Spike’s human, why is so strong, and able to fight Angel so effectively? Wes remembers speaking to Willow by phone about the “joining spell” that turned all the potentials into slayers. “So when the cleansing began,” asks Lilah, “did you – I dunno – touch Buffy?” Spike answers in the affirmative, flashing back to the fiery hand-holding.

* And then, at the end of this first act, Lilah and Wes come to the same conclusion – and reveal one last amazing thing about this new Spike:

* He’s now the world’s first male vampire slayer.

I am – Hercules!!