Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I feel bad. I was supposed to get Neill in to see LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN this summer, or maybe HULK, or something he could review early, but it’s hard to get Neill in to see movies. His disconcerting habit of screaming “FUCK, YEAH!” into the face of everybody he walks past in a movie theater lobby tends to make him a less-than-perfect candidate for being stealthy.
In fact, I haven’t talked to Neill in a while. I miss the crazy li’l fucker, and I was surprised and delighted to find the following review in my inbox when I got home tonight:
Wednesday night in Hollywood I got to go to the Giantdome Theater on Sunset and see the new movie, JACK BLACK: ROCK SCHOOL. It is a sequel to HIGH FIDEL-ITY, where he’s that Screaming Fat Guy.
Now he doesn’t work at the record store anymore in this movie. Now he’s actually trying to be in a band, but the band guys are all, Get the fuck out of our band ‘cuz you suck. And he tells them to kiss his ass and you’re all thinking, yeah, fuck you guys, ‘cuz he’s going to kick major ass. In real life, Jack Black is that guy in the White Stripes, so the irony is like an elephant cock it’s so big in this opening scene. Also, there’s irony because, think about it, “Black”, but he calls his band “White Stripes”, like he’s saying, I could give less of a shit. But this opening scene is like if some guys on a gay bus kicked Richard Simmons off because they want to be really super-gay but holy shit what’s super-gayer than Richard Simmons?
Before I get into the story and plot shit, let me say that this movie is ten times better than FIDEL-ITY, because no one is talking to the screen like a crazy homeless guy (in real life, a guy talking to a movie screen = guy staring off at nothing and talking and also he has pee-pants because crazy homeless people think there is an invisible bathroom in their pants). Also, there isn’t any gay bullshit like people whining about being in love or out of love. “Whaaaa! No one loves me boo-hoo” (Audience: Who gives a shit already somebody start yelling or shooting vampires or get on a jet ski that has guns on it and kill beach vampires)
So Jack Black ends up substituting teaching at this major strict prep school, and he’s got this class full of little rich snots, and they think he’s a fat drunk and he’s all, “Fuck you, I’m hung over and I’m eating a sandwich”. It is so fucking funny the way he’s always yelling at the kids to leave him alone, ‘cause the audience is all like, Why couldn’t my teachers have been all hung over and eating sandwiches instead of making me read lame-ass books?
Joan Cusack, also from FIDEL-ITY, her character has a new job as the principal of the school, and she’s super-strict. Later on in the movie Jack Black tricks her into going to get beers (she thinks they’re going to get coffee) and they sing a Stevie Nicks song together, and that’s funny because Jack Black flaps his arms like bird wings.
But the screenwriters must have gotten Final Draft with that Hilarity Ensues program on it because they click it into overdrive when the plot comes in. The plot is where Jack sees the kids in music class and realizes he can turn the kids into a rock band. So some of the kids play in the band, but he uses the other ones as roadies, and some doing the light show, and some as groupies. This super-snotty little girl named Summer is the band manager, and she’s really funny because she yells at Jack Black a lot.
The movie is really smart too because I so didn’t see the end coming. They keep hinting that Jack is actually a werewolf, and that he’s going to turn into a monster-demon and kill everyone, and that there’s going to be a hammer-fight between Jack Monster-Demon and some ninjas. Instead he and the band go to a Battle of the Bands contest and totally kick ass.
Spoiler alert: Everything works out great in the end.
This movie, which is going to make a hundred million, and now Jack Black will be in everything, and Thank Fucking God, ‘cause maybe there won’t be enough space for Will Smith and Ben Ass-fleck to be in movies ever again.
Also, after seeing the movie at the Giantdome I got this sticker thing that looked like one of those backstage passes you get at a rock show, except it had a picture of Jack Black on it and the movie title. And guess what? There was this big party down the street at the Hollywood Athletic Club, and some of the people that were in ROCK SCHOOL were at the party. They weren’t wearing their movie clothes, but there was all kinds of awesome food and booze, and I met Dave Grohl (from The Dave Matthews Band), Slash (from Poison), Jack Black (White Stripes, see above), and, coolest of all, “Crazy” Al Yankovic, all in like ten minutes. I took a sack-load of pics with my disposable camera but the flash didn’t work, so today I threw a shit fit at the Rite Aid in Whittier.
Dude, it’s a pleasure to have you back, and I’m hoping there’s some way to get you into REVOLUTIONS early. I can only imagine the blood vessels you burst after seeing that beautiful new trailer earlier tonight...
"Moriarty" out.
