A scene in Stephen Sommers' new Van Helsing involves one of the heroes hesitating to save one of the more noble Monsters of the picture. Hero stares at villain as if to say "You're supposed to die", and Monster responds with a look that says, "But I want to live" and the Hero nods, helping the Monster to safety even when he has been ordered not to. It's effective filmmaking, and it's a shame that this *isn't* in the movie. Rather, the characters say what either actor could convincingly convey through an extreme close-up and silence. This is emblematic of the entire film's inability to understate.

Van Helsing doesn't *Know* from quiet.

A common defense of Stephen Sommers' films is that they're intended to be loud, goofy, dumb fx-porn beginning-of-summer action films, and that any kind of highfalutin' subtlety would best be left for year's end award season fodder. This is, at best, a poor assessment; It's common knowledge to generally (but not always) head to the art house theater for dense, cerebral movies. The quiet moments in this kind of film are what make it summer thrill-ride fluff or the stuff of Star Wars or Jaws--Pop Art Masterpieces.

A Patchwork of Anime Cliché, Hugh Jackman manages to overcome the distracting obstacles of god-awful costuming and paint-by-numbers art design and prove his worth as an action/adventure leading man, and this is no small feat. Kate Beckinsale remembers her lines and maintains a Boris-and-Natasha accent, and Kate Beckinsale's stunt team make her seem believably capable of slaying the undead. Beckinsale's not afraid of getting into raw, emotional territory in her work and it's strange to see her coast in roles like this. Even so one of the few complements that can be applied to Van Helsing (and both Mummy Films and Deep Rising for that matter) is that the heroines are not merely content to sit and be rescued, they're proactive, capable, and rather passionate, if second-tier to the star. It is not wild to even suggest that all of these films might have benefited from making their heroines the lead. David Wenham does what he can with the side-kick material; Sommers Staple Kevin J. O'Connor garners most of the faint laughs as a sardonic Igor. No one's really worse for wear, if not eager to return to their own respective franchises (or in Wenham's case, enjoying their completion). That the heavy roles were as fortunate. Bounding wildly from sustained character to failed menace, Richard Roxburgh joins the George Hamilton/Leslie Nielson Cinematic Dracula Dud society, although it's not that there's no good to be found there--Dracula isn't an easy thing to pull off. Here though, Mr. Roxburgh's performance believability is proportional to the bombast of the visual FX that poke out his face and back frequently. Likewise, Dracula's 3 "Brides" are shrill and over-played by model-actresses who were clearly scouted for cross-promotional Maxim spreads. Of all the film's classic monsters, the least drastic changes landed on Frankenstein's Monster, ably portrayed by Tony winner Shuler Hensley. No surprise, then, that aside from belting out Stating-The-Obvious dialog Frankenstein comes away the least tarnished.

Pushing the limits of Hollywood-Catholicism to places No one goes, with good reason, Gabriel Van Helsing, Amnesiac Outlaw/Illuminati Vatican Monster Hitman, is assigned to protect Anna, the last in a line of prophetic vampire slayers, from the machinations of Count Dracula and his undead hordes. Beyond Vampires & Werewolves, we get hobbit-sized worker-bee oompa-loompas in gas masks and swarms of terrier-sized pod-born bioelectric vampire babies which Van Helsing dispatches with a variety of neat-lookin' hardware that ultimately disappoints, while Anna & side-kick Carl tag along and provide bits of Anna's Family History and how it relates to Dracula's schemes. The film burns a lot of time building up the mysterious, Dark Past of the lead, a character that an audience isn't going to be terribly invested in in the first film, and in ending depletes the goodwill of a somewhat unconventional conclusion with awful seen-it-before settings and imagery, to say nothing of the lack of resolution to Gabriel's Dark Past.

In terms of design, the filmmakers chose to employ the concept that "different" equates to "superior", which is why revolvers look like silverware, Frankenstein walks with a steam-powered leg, Anna dresses as an SCA "babe", she-vampires flit 'round screen in pastel dresses lie fairy princesses, werewolves transform by pulling off their skin and can't close their mouths for the sake of their jagged teeth. Actors look uncomfortable, Monsters look silly, weapons lack any sort of Oomph, etc. The character-CG work leaves a lot to be desired as well, which is especially problematic given the volume of visual FX in the film. Genre films can glide on having one but not the other, but failing on both an artistic and technical level will capsize films like this.

It is impossible to deny that video-games have become as influential on cinema as a particular artistic movement or musical genre. Behind the wire-fu and anime biting of the beleaguered Matrix films is a loving tribute to both the sensibilities of games such as Metal Gear Solid or Half-Life and the people who play themthough no doubt inspired by financial concerns, the lower-budget Underworld's final werewolf-vampire hybrid was created with body-paint, fake fangs, and a committed performance, and it trumps anything to see in Van Helsing.

Many flaws aside, the director's work has it's share of fans to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars, and it's not as though these films have created a deluge of copycatsbut it is irksome to think that this is what passes for mainstream sensibilities. Really, Really, these films don't have to be so dumb. Fantastic visions like Lord Of The Rings, the X-Men Films and last week's Hellboy can stand up to critical scrutiny and still showcase hard-core action/FX Porn. There are no longer any decent excuses for saccharine carnival rides like Van Helsing.

--Jed[The Hutt]

Anybody else want to pipe up?

"Moriarty" out.