Hey folks, Harry here... Saw this film tonight, soon you'll see my full thoughts on it all here soon. For now, let's let some of you have a place on center stage. First up is Pyul...
Hey Harry,
I just wanted to thank you and the rest of the AICN boys for saving me a seat tonight for Blade: Trinity. Not being an accredited member of the press, I had to wait in line and the seat they gave me in the third to the last row, right behind two children who had to ask their mommy what I meant when I said 'Shut the fuck up,' was sweet. Thanks guys.
So, if there's one thing that can be said about the Blade series, it's that each film exists distinctively with it's own style and feel. The first, helmed by Stephen Norrington, was moody, brooding, stylish and focused more upon the politics of the Vampires than anything else. The second, helmed by Guillermo del Toro, was bloody, fun and packed to the gills with non-stop action - sure we didn't learn much more about Blade, but we had a great time not learning. And the third, helmed by the writer of all three films David Goyer, is the riskiest of the three, departing from the standard formula and entering territory not yet paved: The Horror Comedy buddy Cop Film.
As best as I could surmise from the semi-lucid plot, Blade (Wesley Snipes) is a Renegade Vampire Cop, walking the night beat, meeting out vigilante style justice to the blood sucking, racially diverse, nameless vampire thugs of the Marvel Universe. However, when his longtime partner is killed (in a scene in which you swear upon the almighty that Snipes is about to raise his fist and yell "MENDOZA!"), he is forced to partner with a fast talking, comedic rookie Vampire Cop played by Ryan Reynolds. Meanwhile, a drunken party girl (Parker Posey), while slurring her lines in her best Cruella DeVille, wakes up Dracula, who despite sleeping for untold millennia, happens to know all about the book that Bram Stoker wrote about him. But the weirdest part of the film is yet to come, when intermittently, commercials for the Apple Ipod starring Jessica Biel, find themselves intercut with the footage. And despite the long playlist Jessica Biel seems to have on her Ipod, it seems to play the same song, over and over again amid gratuitous shots of her putting headphones into her ears.
And as Tarantino took a big risk in directing the ultimate 70's film, so does Goyer take a huge leap of faith directing the penultimate 80's film. Littered with cliche after cliche and borrowing heavily from Miami Vice and Lethal Weapon, Blade: Trinity tries it's hand at being the best damned Vampire Cop movie ever made, complete with lame car chases, explosions with flying, screaming, stuntmen set aflame and an opening scene where those weird ass robots from the movie 'Starship' give the middle finger to the sun and walk up a very fake looking temple. Man, this is one Vampire Cop film that has it all: People disappearing behind moving trains that take so long to pass they could have hitched a cab out of the shot, Pro Wrestlers who guess what - use wrestling maneuvers while fighting - and Ziploc baggied homeless people who serve as blood bags for vampires - although while really cool, doesn't seem to make any sense whatsoever in an already thin plot.
If you thought David Goyer had saved the best for last, let me tell you brother - You were wrong. Dead. Fucking. Wrong.
Easily the worst of all three Blade films, this film borders on being Punisher level bad. And if you are reaching for your mouse at this very second, ready to defend your love of the Punisher in talkback -stop- take a deep breath, go to Fandango and order yourself a ticket for this: Because if you liked that Cleveland Steamer, your gonna love this hunk of tubesteak. Really, that's the kind of bad it is. It's a movie for fucking Punisher fans.
And you know what, it's sad, because honestly, there's several things to like about this film. First and foremost, every scene of Jessica Biel kicking ass is fucking awesome - and let me make this 100% clear: this is not some film geek maxim wank off kind of excitement. This is not my prick standing on end every time she pops on screen. Jessica Biel kicks fucking ass. She brings a natural charisma to this film that we've never seen out of her before. Jessica Biel, if she chooses the right roles, could be this Generations Bad Girl action star. She's the action star that Angelina Jolie isn't. She's got Linda Hamilton running through those veins. She's got Sigourney Weaver menace. Now, if only Goyer had thought enough to give her a character in the film rather then relegating her to Female Badass 1. Literally, she has zero character. her only defining character traits are 1) she Whistlers daughter out of wedlock 2) She listen to music on her ipod while kicking ass - one of the stupidest, video game inspired pieces of bullshit ever to grace the screen as no badass in their right mind would ever remove the ability to hear bad guys sneaking up on you in lieu of listening to the same god damned techno track over and over again (I shit you not) and 3) she hates vampires. That's it. I've seen longer story arcs on a hallmark card. I mean, how does she feel about her father? How does she feel about Blade? How does she feel about Rookie Cop Ryan Reynolds? We don't know and Goyer doesn't care. There is a shower scene, that rather than seeming steamy is more emotional...if only Goyer had hinted at what she was emotional about.
The other great thing about this movie is Ryan Reynolds, who is genuinely funny and comes through as a great character. At least he has some depth and has a few glorious comedic moments that could give Tango and Cash a run for it's money. Vampire Dogs rule. Fat Lady singing rules. eating too much sugar owns. Unfortunately for Ryan, his great comedic debut is marred by the fact that Goyer didn't bother to write a plot for the movie, so his jokes and Biel's ass kicking is but the mayo and mustard on this shit sandwich.
Wesley Snipes once again is dragged around by his tackle to meander his way through the plot only to confront yet another uber vampire at the end...just like in all the other fucking movies. Wow, do you think they'll be leaping through the air and swing swords at one another? Do you think Blade's bitten off more than he can chew this time? Do you think this Uber-Powerful-Ultimate-Vampire v 3.0 will get the best of Blade?
If you're curious to the answers to these questions, go into your living room, pop in your Thomas Jane autographed copy of The Punisher and watch it for a week straight before you rush out and find out for yourself. Really. You'll love it. However, if you think you can figure out the answers yourself, then no. This thing will siphon the shit right out of your sphincter.
Parker Posey? Godawful. Probably should have been aloud to smoke in the movie...it's how she defines her 'character'.
Triple Heche? Godawful. Two words. Stair Roids.
Kris Kristopherson? He probably shouldn't have been drinking in his trailer between shots.
Natasha Lyonne? Shouldn't haven't been drinking with Kris.
Dominic Purcell? Back to TV with you my friend.
James Remar? Dude, did you really need to play another cop?
Come on Marvel. Your streak has turned into more of a slide. And Goyer...would it have killed you to, you know, write a script for this thing before you shot it? And dude, the 80's? Over. Just repeat to yourself: I'm not Michael Mann. I did not direct Miami Vice. TV talk shows to introduce minor characters is simply fucking retarded, regardless of whether Eric Boghosian is in it or not. You should be fine. Just don't direct again. Ever.
Pyul Mactackle
Here's Yeroc with a disappointing look at the film...
Hi Harry,
Thought I'd send my thoughts on BLADE TRINTY, which I caught at an advance screening Thursday night. They're relatively spoiler-lite...
So for a Blade movie, this one's curiously lacking in Blade. My biggest gripe is that it shortchanges the title character for some hardly-developed sidekick-types who scream "spinoff!" I'm sorry, but I don't buy Jessica Biel as a credible actions tar-- particularly (and this is Mr. Goyer's fault) when I can't quite see what she's doing. And Ryan Reynolds, the comic relief, gets off a few good oneliners now and then... but considering every line he gets is a oneliner, a few just doesn't cut it. Wesley Snipes, as always, brings a credible (and awesome) performance as Blade-- who in this film literally has like three lines and half an hour of screentime. (That's perhaps exaggeratory, but it doesn't feel like it.)
The supporting cast is eccentric, to say the least. Kris Kristofferson briefly returns as Whistler, though he doesn't seem to care much about the material-- he's flat, and you can tell he'd rather be doing something else. The vampires come off better: Parker Posey is actually not bad as the main vampire threat, Triple H (!) is believeable as a large vampire bodyguard-type guy who punches a lot of people, John Michael Higgins (!) makes an appearance as a forensic psychologist (and has a lot more screen time than I would have guessed). Natasha Lyonne and Patton Oswalt are other members of the neat little vampire hunting club that Reynolds and Biel front, but they don't make much of an impression. Oh, and Dominic Purcell is Dracula. Not that it matters.
So that leads me to my biggest problem: the screenplay. It's incoherent. There's not much plot to speak of. Goyer really shortchanged the story here, and this is coming from someone who actually really likes him as a writer. So the vampires need to bring back... Dracula? So he can kill Blade? So that the vampires can execute a "final solution," which will somehow result in the destruction of all humans (while maintaining a steady food supply with "blood farms"-- one of many Matrix-derivative devices)? And yet the neat little vampire hunting club has a super-powerful secret weapon that will-- oh, it's nonsense, and it's not resolved at the end anyway, so don't even worry about it. And hooray for copious profanity (mostly used for comedic effect-- and it's funny here and now, but it gets old).
Also, Mr. Goyer cannot direct an action scene. But I don't blame him... he's quite capable in other areas of creating a very stylish-type setting. I blame the current trend of Shaking the Camera Around So That You Can't See What's Happening--a style I didn't mind in, say, The Bourne Supremacy, where it seemed to fit the style (and the implication was all that was needed anyway), but a style sorely out of place here.
Can you tell I'm a little disappointed? It had its moments--most of which involved Blade--but I just can't recommend it. I'm sure that David Goyer will have better luck with his next film, and I remain a fan both of him and the Blade franchise. But this was just a huge mistep.
* 1/2 / ****
If you decide to include this with the plethora of other reviews, call me Yeroc... thanks a lot!
Here's a disillusioned JizzWorthy Jenkins...
Hey guys. I managed to catch a press screening of Blade 3: Trinity at Loews 42nd street in Times Square. Let me introduce myself. I am not a big fan of most comic books, except the excellent graphic novel Watchmen. I found the first Blade to be interesting visually, but overall I was underwhelmed. It did not help that Stephen Dorff was in it. Well Blade 2 was a piece of shit, but I can't blame the talented director Guillermo Del Toro for it, because he did have the good sense to have vampires with vaginas for mouths in it. Here is the major problem of the Blade franchise- Blade as played by Wesley Snipes is a cipher. He is not an interesting character, and Snipes lacks enough charisma to carry a movie. It does not help Snipes that he is limited to a bunch of one-liners with the word "motherfucker" in them in this third installment. Like "I was born ready to die motherfucker". Or "You don't know how to hunt vampires motherfucker". Even "Momma said eat your veggies motherfucker". I swear these are the only lines he utters in this one. In the press notes, writer-director Goyer says that Blade is a conflicted character, "in the same way that Clint Eastwood's character in Unforgiven is a very conflicted character". When Clint Eastwood hunted killer vampires in his famous Western, I kept saying "yo he just copped that shit from Blade", so I guess that's where it comes from. I don't know, maybe its foolish to ask for depth in a comic book movie.
Now to the plot. The plot is pretty conventional. You see the vampires(led by a glazed over Parker Posey-more on her terrible performance later) dig up Dracula buried deep in a tomb in Iraq. Oh yea, and the wrestler Triple H is there. Anyway, this all has to do with an insidious plot the vampires have cooked up, which has to do with getting a copy of Dracula's DNA. Anyway, Blade is eventually set-up to murder a human, so he must team with the Nightstalkers(Jessica Alba and Ryan Reynolds) to defeat Triple H and Dracula. I must say that Ryan Reynolds is quite good in the role of Hannibal King, even though he is a bit too self-referential for my tastes. In half of his witty one liners I expected him to wink at the camera with a sparkle in his eye. Also, Jessica Alba is not really a character, just an expensive product placement for the Apple IPod. You see, in the middle of killing vampires Ms. Alba puts on her IPod in slo-mo while listening to trip hop. Either it's the most ingenious use of product placement in a film, or really fucking stupid.
Here is a major problem in the movie, aside from the opening car chase- the actions scenes are terrible. It's too MTV, every goddamn second there is a cut. Why can't more action scenes be genuinely cinematic, like in Apocalypse Now or in the recent Kill Bill films?
And Ryan Reynolds wrestling match with Triple H looks like ritualistic gay sex shot through the lens of a coke addict.
Oh yes, and Parker Posey is strangely alluring, in a cheesy sort of way. It makes me wonder how a skinny bitch like her managed to become head vampire? I mean, did she inherit a lot of vampire money from her daddy or something?
I used to be excited about this whole "geek renaissance", with all these comic book properties being turned into A list films. Right now, I’m a bit disillusioned. I mean Spider-man 2 was great, but this shit ain’t cutting it.
Call me by my porn star name, Jizzworthy Jenkins.
Here's FliBoiMartini with a review where the film rates "decent" marks by him...
Hi Harry,
I've never written to the site before, but I just got out of a preview screening of Blade Trinity, and my opinion is a little different from most of the reviews I've read so far.
For starters, the movie was okay. It wasn't terrible, but it wasn't great. I do, however, think that its worth seeing. There were a lot of things I liked about the movie. For starters, the comic aspect was a refreshing addition to the series. Ryan Reynolds was awesome, and had a lot of really funny scenes. I also really liked how they gave Blade a little bit more personality in this one, instead of just sticking to the stone-faced, emotionless character from the first two. Not that I didnt like his character in the firs two movies, I just think it was a good addition, and also provided a few laughs. Jessica Beil of course was HOT, and had a convincing performance as a bad ass. Did I mention she was Hot? I also thought Parker Posy did no wrong, and fit the part of an evil Bitch well.
Now onto what went wrong. First off, David Goyer should never, ever, ever, ever direct another action sequence in his career. I think triple H (or whatever the wrestler's alias is) gives a better performance on smackdown than here. Every fight sequence felt so poorly executed, and fake. Although Goyer did fine directing otherwise, his lack of visual style was disappointing, especially after Stephen Norrington and Guillermo did so nicely in 1 and 2. Not only was the action dissapointing, but so was the script. It wasn't too bad, not nearly as bad as the action sequences, but some parts were really surprisingly corny, especially considering that goyer is a pretty decent writer. There wasnt really much of a plot, but that really wasnt a big deal either, but it just seemed that having dracula in the movie was so pointless. He was barely in the movie, and they didnt seem to use the character very well in the movie. Oh yeah, and theres this blind bitch played by the girl from american pie (the ugly one with the deep ass voice), that was really bad.
Overall this movie was decent. The only problems that really stuck out, was the badly directed action sequences, and the unnecessary presence of dracula, who by the way looked kind of stupid at the end when he transformed into "monster form". If your a fan of the first two, dont go in with really high expectations. And try to keep an open mind. Its not that bad. Hopefully it will do well, so that we'll see Blad 4, and maybe that nightstalkers spinoff.
If you happen to post this, call me fliboimartini. Im out!
Next is Taylor Goldie who wasn't a happy camper...
Harry,
I caught Blade 3 last night and im shocked and saddened to tell you that it's a mixed bag. Actually its a mess. Being a huge fan of the first 2 films i figured this one was money in the bank, instead it is sloppy, poorly written and at many times laughable for all the wrong reasons.
OK you may think im being picky with these negative points but i assure you they all take away from the film.
MINOR SPOILERS:
the movie starts with a Black screen and a horrible 2 line Ryan Reynolds voice over that says nothing, it was unecessary and certainly didnt connect to the next scene. And lets be honest here, he has a very feminine voice if you havnet noticed yet - it clearly should have been snipes narrating.
Cut to:
Parker Posey and pals digging up Dracula in a tomb in the desert. The action is edited too frantically and the scene lasts for about 1 minute and doesnt even remotley satisfy the potential of RESSURECTING DRACULA. How can you drop the ball on that one? It was done far better in UNDERWORLD.
Posey's crew are panseys. Gone are the sleek, well spoken vampires of Blade 1 only to be replaced by vampires who call each other "dude". In fact her crew of vampires couldnt be LESS threatening. I cant even remember anybody in her crew getting any screen time besides Posey, Triple H (terribly miscast) and Poseys brother (who says 3 lines the whole film). I kid you not, no other vampires in this film live after they say one line.
Nobody "turns" in this movie from human to Vampire. I think we as an audience generally like this transformation but Mr Goyer included no such scenes.
The action and hand to hand combat are pretty tight but at this point its tired everytime the vampires "turn to ash" - show us something new! Why is Biel "punching" the vampires in the face repeatedly? so she can break her hand? Heres an idea, why doesnt she wear gloves with silver spikes on her knuckles so when she punches a vampire it will turn to ash.
THATS the type of stuff i wanna see, instead Biel has a bow and arrow set that she walks around the city with in broad daylight. The bow has a laser on it, its kinda cool but its a showpiece for the movie posters that only gets used twice at most.
Oh and apparently there is this new thing called the IPOD, we learn about this when Biel puts one on so her "playlists get her amped up to kill vampires". No really, Reynolds tells snipes that Biel makes "playlists of trip hop, but me... i like David Hasselhoff." Hardy har har.
Reynolds is funny, he has screen presence and i think we'll see him alot in the future. But his jokes and delivery in THIS film... sorta fall flat. And i dont believe it was his fault, i think that the way this movie was edited killed the comedic timing. His jokes make you groan more then chuckle.
Biel is gorgeous, she may have the most fit body of any actress i know. She handles her own in this movie and does some serious ass kicking, as does Reynolds, but make no mistake: THESE 2 ACTORS ARE NOT BELIEVABLE IN THESE ROLES. The Blade franchise has now been officially handed over to the teen audience.
Blade's role is smaller. He says less, we learn nothing about him or his thoughts. A little girl asks him "why dont you try being nice?" and he replies "because the world isnt nice". TERRIBLE LINE! In fact alot of the dialogue in this movie is either lame one liners or just flat out poorly written.
ATTENTION WRITERS: BATMAN and ROBIN PROVED TO US THAT ONE LINERS ARE CHEESY. PLEASE AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS!
Dracula is, um, that guy from CSI. I didnt see him as dracula at all, i kept waiting for him to take blood samples back to the lab to do an autopsy. He looks awesome when Dracula takes on his natural monster form, but when he becomes Drake, he walks around like hes in Saturday Night Fever with his shirt open baring his chest full of necklaces. Eurotrash would be a compliment in this case...
And who the hell was in charge of costume design? Certianly the same designers as the costumes in FREEJACK. OUCH.
James Remar, as the FBI agent, might turn in the single worst performance of an actor playing an FBI agent. DOUBLE OUCH.
His scene was so bad that the audience was laughing for all the wrong reasons as i mentioned before.
And Parker, oh Parker, what happened to you in this role? You seem to be hamming it up ala Steven Dorf in Blade 1, but you are whiny and weak and... wait a sec... did you kill ANYBODY in this movie?
Whereas Blade 2 felt BIG, it spanned continents, there was a massive squad of Vampire Baddies, there were new vampires that ate vampires etc etc. Blade 3 is rather small. There is no sense of the world community of vampires like in the first 2 films.
Wait listen to this scene: Reynolds Biel and Snipes are surrounded by 10 cop cars and the cops have their guns out.
how could they POSSIBLY get out of this one?
I blackman drives up in a beat up jeep, sticks his body out of the window and says "get in!". everyone jumps in the jeep and they drive away from the cops. only 3 cops fired. THEY DIDNT EVEN PERSUE.
Nuff said, im sick of ranting about this movie, im so bummed,
Call me Taylor Goldie
