Ahoy, squirts! Quint here with a rundown of Rogue Pictures' presentation, the last panel I saw at Comic-Con. They featured a trailer for THE HITCHER and had clips and guests for both BALLS OF FURY and HOT FUZZ!

THE HITCHER

They showed a teaser. No guests and unfortunately the trailer was kinda lame. It showed dark roads and spookily-lit maps with newscasters talking over the footage, describing missing people. Then the facts come across the screen... how many people disappear on America's roads a year, how many are ever found, etc. Then there's Sean Bean's voice over black saying something like "Thanks for stopping..." It was really lame, but I still hope the flick is fun. I think the casting of Sean Bean in Rutger Hauer's role is an inspired choice, but the American accent he has in the voice over sounds like average movie villain-creepy.

BALLS OF FURY

So, they showed a little clip from FEARLESS, Jet Li's next flick, before the BALLS OF FURY panel and Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant used that in their bit. Here are the tidbits from the panel:

- The boys claimed Jet Li ripped them off "but our movie has more retards in it."

- Maggie Q kicks everybody in the face in the film.

- At one point an audience member asked them to sign the promotional BALLS OF FURY underwear. They said they would, but only if he put it on. He did and they, true to their word, climbed down off the stage and signed his package. When Lennon got back in front of the mic he revealed that in order to sign, he had to put some pressure down and was pretty sure he cupped a ball. He said he was thinking at the time, "I'm going to feel really bad about that driving home..."

The flick is about a young man who was at one time the most promising Ping Pong champion the world had ever seen. When the pressure was on he failed and due to his failure his father was murdered. He threw away the Ping Pong paddles forever, or so he thought. He ends up reentering the world of Ping Pong in order to infiltrate the evil Feng's underground Ping Pong championship. Feng is played by Christopher Walken who loves to dress up in very feminine oriental fare throughout the film.

They showed a clip from the flick that had the star, Dan Fogler, being welcomed into the world. A beautiful asian woman offers him some of Feng's harem. He goes on this kind of funny stuttering "No" which really meant he wants to, but doesn't want to admit it. He rambled on about his girlfriend... well, not his girlfriend, but a girl he really likes and will eventually talk to and make his girlfriend, etc. He finally relents and when the harem is fetched he starts sprucing himself up. When they come in, of course, they're all hunky beef-cakes.

I interviewed Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant before the panel and they were really funny and nice and some of the stuff they told me in that interview has me really jonesing for this flick. The cast... Walken, Lo Pan and the T-1000 in the same movie? Not to mention Patton Oswalt as the reigning Ping Pong king. Cherry on the top, baby. Look for that interview to hit soon. In the mean time, why don't we get to HOT FUZZ?

HOT FUZZ

Edgar Wright and Nick Frost came out to chat about the footage they brought. Simon Pegg couldn't make it, but sent a video to the folks in the audience. Edgar said that this is all early and they brought something really special for the Comic-Con crowd, but gave the standard "don't tape this... this is for all you, not the whole word, just yet" etc etc. Made a real big show it and then ran the footage. It was all insert shots. About 2 minutes. It started with a hedgehog sitting on a bag and looking really cute. It sniffed around for about 30 seconds, looking at camera, then walked away. The was a shot of urine in a toilet bowl being flushed. If flushes and the toilet refills. There's a shot of a man's wristwatch, reading 3 o'clock. There's a shot of bacon sizzling in a frying pan. Then there's a goose on a dirt road, just sitting there and looking around. It shakes its tail feather and stands up. It wanders around for about 15 seconds and then they cut to some other random stuff.

We all had a laugh and they ran their real footage. There's at least 4 clips they ran. Here's a rundown of each one! Enjoy!

Clip 1: Simon Pegg talking to a classroom about why he wanted to be a cop. Nick Frost is sitting with all the kids as Pegg is talking about what it takes to be a police officer... unquestionable moral authority, etc. "Any questions?" Frost looks around, looking for raised hands and then raises his own. Pegg acknowledges him. "Is it true that there is a place on a man's head that if you shoot it, it will blow up?" Then it cuts to the badass totally 80s cheesy cop movie logo of HOT and FUZZ being all ROBOCOP silver. Each word gets hit with a bullet, spinning them around like a carnival target shooting contraption. As they slow to a stop and face us again the voice over, a trailer-guy deep voiced dude, goes, "HOT... FUUUUZZZZZ." I think this was the clip that ended with a barrage of actiony type bits, with Nick cocking a shotgun and Simon jumping sideways through the air in slow motion firing two pistols all John Woo style. They all looked so serious, but I can't help but laugh when I see these guys doing this stuff. Seeing Nick Frost cock a shotgun one handed and go, "This is what I'm talkin' about!" just makes me cackle.

Clip 2: Has Simon and Nick sitting at a pub talking to each other it seems Simon is telling Nick about how he got into being a police officer. "I never remembered a time when I didn't want to be a police officer. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He bought me a police pedal car when I was 5. Every second I was awake I was arresting kids twice my size... for litering, spitting... I got beaten up a lot when I was young. But they couldn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek." Nick: "He sounds like a cool bloke." Simon: "Actually, he was arrested for selling drugs to students." Nick, without missing a beat: "What a cunt." Then logo and voice over guy... "HOT... FUUUUZZZZZ." Nick does an eye gag, after the logo... where he pretends to stab a fork in his eye, spraying out ketchup or whatever the hell it is all over the place, including on Simon. Very funny.

Clip 3: They spot a wigger trying to shoplift. GOOD, BAD AND THE UGLY eyes close-up on both Pegg and the shoplifter and the chase begins. He and Nick chase him down the street and he gains. Simon calls out that they're taking a shortcut. Nick, "Through the gardens?" Simon turns towards camera and says, "What's the matter? Never taken a short cut before?" and cockily runs at the first of many low fences. This is a mirror image to the same sequence in SHAUN OF THE DEAD where his confident leap over a wall wasn't... shall we say... successful? Here Simon runs at the wall and easily bounds over it and effortlessly hops over the multiple fences, getting smaller and smaller in the frame as he gets over the obstacles. At the end of the low to the ground fence hurdles is a giant fence at least 4 feet higher. Simon leaps over the last of the little fences, out of sight for a split second and then he comes jumping up, doing 2 or 3 flips and flying over the big fence, like he hit a trampoline.

Nick looks on in puzzlement, but then charges the first fence and crashes right through it, falling flat.

Clip 4:

Simon and Nick and Filch from HARRY POTTER (David Bradley) are led into a shed where there is a huge stash of guns. When they see the weapons, both their eyes light up, none more than Nick Frost, though. He's grinning ear to ear and exclaims, "By the power of Greyskull!!" The editing here is hilarious. It takes the action movie cliche of quickly cutting to see lots of weapons to an extreme, cutting quickly for 20 seconds or so, often times back to the same rack of shotguns. Not only are there guns, but there are also explosives, including a giant spiked and rusted water mine. It gets kicked and starts making all these hollowy/echoey sounds. All three get an "oh shit!" look on their faces haul ass out. They bust out of the shack and run towards camera... we're obviously waiting for the big explosion. Nick and Simon dive over a shrub in front of camera, hitting the ground and rolling... and nothing. No explosion. Nothing. They sit and look at the building for a few seconds and kinda go, "huh..." Then it cuts to them standing in a field with the water mine. "It's been deactivated..." Somebody, "What?" "It's not live!" and Nick kicks it again, producing the same hollowing/echoing countdown sounding vibration going through it again. Clip ends here.

Tidbits from the panel:

- No SHAUN OF THE DEAD 2. Edgar, "I don't want to taint the original or just cash in." But then thought better of it later, after Nick said he liked another title over FROM DUSK TILL SHAUN... He liked NIGHT OF THE LIVING ED. Edgar said he could see Ed and Shaun going on another adventure together, but it'd be more like EVERY WHICH WAY BUT LOOSE, where Ed plays the Clyde character. Sounded jokey, but you never know. heh.

- Edgar is doing a SCOTT PILGRIM movie, but it's in the very early days yet.

- Nick revealed that Simon Pegg is the father of Suri Cruise.

- HOT FUZZ sees release March 9th.

- The name HOT FUZZ "means nothing." The title is just like the generic titles from the '80s like BLUE STEEL (I know that's 1990, but it's close), the titles that really mean nothing, but sound like any random cop action movie.

- Finally, Edgar heard that Jason Statham is playing both Bruce Banner and The Hulk in HULK 2. Spread the word.

There you have it, squirts! That wraps up my panel coverage of Comic-Con 2006. I have 14 interviews to transcribe for you now. Academy Award winners, Bad Motherfuckers, people so money they don't even know it and tons more! 'Til then, this is Quint bidding you all a fond farewell and adieu.

-Quint
quint@aintitcool.com