Hey folks, Merrick here...

Massawyrm dutifuly had this article ready to coincide with his anniversary on the site a few weeks back, but a variety of challenging technical considerations slowed down it's posting. 'Tis a long, complicated, headache inducing story that I'll spare you.

This being said, we'd like to sincerely thank everyone who took the time to send in submissions...as well as Massa for his boundless patience. I'm sure the delays must have been irritating for all concerned, for which we apologize. But, hey, this wouldn't be AICN without a bit of irritation!

With that, here are the avatars. Take the WARNING in Massa’s intro to heart. Many of these are works of perverse madness. They are gloriously offensive in their excess and inappropriateness. Personally, I love ‘em! But consider this the first of two heads up…just in case…

Oh! COMING VERY, VERY SOON: the results of AICN's BRISCO COUNTY DVD giveaway!

Now, let’s get started…

CLICK TO EXPAND THE THUMBNAIL AVATARS BELOW!!!
THEY'LL BECOME A LARGER SIZE!!!

Hola all. Massawyrm here.

Well, today marks the one year anniversary of my return from the Gulag and back into the crosshairs of Talkbackers around the world. And it still feels like I just returned.

But sure enough, 365 days and 120 reviews later I’m still having as much fun as I did the day I first submitted over 5 years ago. And I just want to take this moment to thank you folks for reading. If I’ve entertained you and helped you to dodge a few bullets or find a few gems, I’m thankful. And I hope to continue to do so. If I’ve enraged you, I hope whatever you broke - when you threw something across the room - wasn't that expensive. You really shouldn't take me that seriously. I sure don't.

If you’re curious what the hell this post is all about, check out the contest info here For the rest of you, the time has finally come. After 5 years on the servers – the Massawyrm avatar is about to be retired. And while Harry is getting the final call on this, I need your help one more time. Tell him what you think. Help him choose which Avatar you’ll be looking at almost every time I post.

Now when I put the call out, several of the artists out there jumped at the chance for the bragging rights. And man did they come through. There’s some really funny stuff below, which is the best of the best. I get taken to town in a number of ways and I’ve spent the last 3 weeks laughing my ass off over it. Several of the pieces will have links to the artists websites beneath them. A lot of these guys are professional artists or are trying to be – some with paying gigs, others talented amateurs in need of a break.

If you like what you see, whether you dig the art or it just makes you laugh – please check out their sites. All an artist of any kind hopes for is that people see and enjoy their work.

Now, just a brief note for any squeamish weenies out there or you folks at work: many of the following renditions contain violent, offensive imagery, strong sexual content, bodily fluids, heretical religious iconography, Ron Jeremy’s penis and a picture of Dustin Diamond. Any and all of these things may not be appropriate for children or the workplace. Consider yourself warned.

First up certainly isn’t a contender, but it made me laugh something awful. AICN’s own Latauro submitted his own spoof of my image. He swears he meant every word. Frankly, that has me a touch concerned.

Awww. That’s so well done for someone who’s only 25 and ¼. Next up is the guy that started this whole thing off – the infamous GooBoy. Now not only did GooBoy start this thing, but continued it with Gusto, turning in a whole series – including one of my personal favorites. I’ll leave you to guess which one.

Now GooBoy really went to town, and you can find his comic strip and more of his art here. (WARNING on this site – it also appears to be adult in nature. This might actually net more traffic than less, but I don’t want to hear any bitching about “Hey! That’s not appropriate!” I told you it wasn’t.) That last pic above, however, disturbs me in all sorts of ways. It makes me first ask: When the fuck did I become French? And secondly makes me wish I’d worn underwear when I posed for that. Of course while GooBoy continued with the iconic Christ imagery I’ve been tortured for for 5 years, he certainly wasn’t the last. Like Ryan Demarest’s Spike Lee sendup

Jordan Linde’s message to the haters.

Or this one by DJ Spoonfed who had this to say about his work: I really tried to evoke the pain and torment of what Jesus Christ undoubtedly perserved through, but show it illuminated in a parallel with the tribulations and distraught faced by critics everywhere. As a critic, one is literally throwing themselves upon the sins of filmmakers, in an effort to bring salvation to the readers. Each lash, representing another woefully uneven storyline, bad special effect, uninspired score, or wooden performance, spills forth the blood of LOVE! Love for film, the art showcased within, or the emotions they bring out in people all the world over. The incredible burden which you bear, like that heavy cross, brings forth a lone tear every time I gaze upon this image. Yeah... Or I'm just full of shit.

Well said, Spoonfed. Well said. You are, in fact, full of shit. ;)

And what Christ imagery would be complete without a Kevin Smith sendup? Not this contest, that’s for sure.

Like this from the Rossman, who also submitted...

...this sendup of my deep fried all time favorite Saturday Afternoon classic, Battle Beyond the Stars, with me as George Peppard’s classic “Space Cowboy.”

And really, what kind of AICN submission contest would it be if not for a slew of movie related entries like this one from my Blood Brother - local film critic and longtime comic book artist and inker (and even occasional AICN contributor) - Martin Thomas.

Or this similar play on my name by Craig Thompason

Or this one by local Austin artist John Saul Rubio – whose work I’ve long enjoyed.

You can find more of his work here. Then, of course, there’s this great little geek joke by Mark Lapierre...

Who has a website here.

Then there were some folks who decided to have fun with my much maligned addiction to the sweet, delicious, filtered Turkish/American treats like this honest to god piece of art by Brandon Mroz.

Which, while it doesn’t conform the look of the site, is still pretty freaking cool to look at. You can find more of his work here.

Then there’s a pilgrimage to the Golgotha Ashtray by Generasputinhole.

Or this reference, by the man known only as Pragar, to both my old column and one of my favorite movies this year.

Others still didn’t think smoking and shotguns were enough…and they just had to go with that flag that Harry thought was…So…God damned…funny. Like this one by Joy, who claims to be my number one fan. (Why does that remind me of a book I read?)

Or this one of me…churning out another review.

Alright, now that was just creepy. Clearly that guys been to my house. But I’m not done shitting on film yet! Because Greg Holkan decided to combine everything all together into one single piece of art, while managing to throw in an in-joke to one of my reviews.

You can find this madman’s comic strip somewhere over here.

And then, of course, there’s those that decided to play on my name taking wyrm to mean Dragon like Marcus Parcus...

...or to be a misspelling of worm like Andy Hunt:

...or this one by The Killer Rabbit...

...or by taking apart my whole name like The Kundalini Kid and creating something both adorable AND offensive.

The Kid here is the only one who submitted his in straight pencil and is coloring that up for me – so don’t let the lack of color dissuade you. But then there was the following submission by Yojimbo McMacincrap the Wicked, which at first glance appears to belong in this section.

Which leads us to the next series of entries, entitled “My orifices and I what choose to do with them.”

Ummmm…okay, all I’m gonna say is that the above picture is lacking a big orange tuft of hair on Harry’s chest, and no I won’t answer any questions about how I know that. From here on out, let’s just refer to that picture as Tuesday Night at Harry’s and be done with it. This was dreamt up by the artist known only as The Sac - who I imagine the less I know about, the better. But seriously, thanks buddy.

Then there’s this slightly more sensual version by Jackinitraw.

Leading to the single most bizarre piece entered, which I note here only for…well, Jesus Christ, take a look at this thing.

Yeah, sweet dreams everyone. You can thank Talkbacker MrDr for those nightmares tonight. But if that doesn’t do it for ya, perhaps this one by the infamous Dave will.

Which Brings us to the Wildcards, the guys who just went out on a limb and tried something completely different from any of the other submissions. From people like Simpons/King of the Hill artist Gary Yap:

Not only is it cool, but apparently I look like a circa 1980’s Dick “The Robot of Destruction” Butkus. Fucking Awesome! He was the man on Blue Thunder: The TV Series! You can find more of Gary’s work and offerings here.

Then there’s this last minute entry by Big Bad Clone, who likens my like willingness to take on unpopular opinions on film to…well…

And of course there’s this entry by Manuel “Poison” Clavel, who took my Talkback flaming quite literally.

Why are the cops after me? If I were to hazard a guess, it would be that I’m the guy that burned down the Quick Stop and that mother fucker Dante called the PoPo. But if you wanna know for sure, you’ll have to ask the artist here at his website. Note the half dozen subtle little jokes he’s peppered throughout.

And finally, much respect to my man Dave Carter, who five years ago drew the original Massawyrm that will be posted one last time below. He, in good humor, had a big laugh over the contest and many of the comments about his artwork and even submitted a piece of his own, having his own fun with me. Thanks again for the piece that lasted me 5 years – hate mail or no.

Well guys, that’s it.

Those are the pieces.

While some talkbackers and psudo-comedians talked big about submitting pictures of Mohammed, nary a one was to be found. What you’re seeing is the very best, the funniest and most offensive of what was submitted. Now go give these artists some love and help me and Harry decide what should be the new Massawyrm. Now of course there are several here that might just turn up every now and again, when their thematic content is relevant to a review, but the winner will end up on my next review and be my face for God knows how long.

Thanks again to all the artists who submitted and for all the work people put into this. You guys made the last three weeks a hell of a lot of fun.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. I know I will.

Massawyrm

Farewell old chap, you served me well. Well, you know, except for all that hate mail you got me.