DEEP BLUE SEA review
Published at: July 27, 1999, 11 p.m. CST by headgeek
Ahhhhh.... DEEP BLUE SEA, the alleged suck ass
film of the summer. The one that is supposed to be
sooooo bad, that Moriarty was playing chickenshit
and not even going to see it for free.
Why?
Well first off the name Akiva Goldsman is associated
with the motion picture which means.... By default
that the movie must in fact suck.... Akiva has been
associated with some mighty powerful megatonnage
of bombs here in recent years. The biggest being that
red hot poker in the eye of a movie, BATMAN AND
ROBIN. Now Akiva is hated by film geeks above
even Joel Schumacher, simply because Joel wasn’t
associated with LOST IN SPACE.... Which proved
that the cinematic cancer needing to be removed was
identified as being Akiva Goldsman. Now I have
been feeling for quite some time that while Akiva’s
writing isn’t the greatest on the planet, it is also not a
plague onto mankind needing Nuremburg style
burning treatments. I believe that Akiva has been
stricken not with a disease, but with a curse. The
curse of being associated with people that didn’t ‘get’
his scripts. Now on DEEP BLUE SEA, Akiva was a
producer.... Not a writer, instead he was now the
facilitator to either help usher a writer’s script
through the film process, or contribute to it’s
destruction. But no matter... his name is still a bane
to most fans’ existence.
Then we had the next ingredient in the destruction of
DEEP BLUE SEA.... Renny Harlin, a director that
makes.... what I call almost movies. Movies that
could have become a classic cool flick.... BUT
something quite hideous is wrong with it. In
CLIFFHANGER his villains were terrible, in DIE
HARDER.... once again his villains just didn’t gel, in
CUTTHROAT ISLAND.. his male lead stars kept
leaping ship... first Harrison Ford, then Michael
Douglas... Leaving him with Matthew Modine
instead. Then the dismissal of Oliver Reed ultimately
left... a weak villain. Then there was the Shane
Black LONG KISS GOODNIGHT, a movie that is
very very entertaining and for me... is probably his
most complete film... save that the last act just kinda
sucks for me. In all.... Renny Harlin makes
entertaining films that just don’t follow all the way
through.
And that was the reason why I went into this film with
very low expectations. Combine that with some
initial horrible test screenings, a fairly bad script draft
that was available to read... Well. It just didn’t look
like it could be good.
Now then. In the past 2 months the word has slowly
but surely been turning around. Tweaking was being
done to the movie through the testing process.
Additional characters were being slaughtered by
sharks. Romantic subplots being scissored here and
there. It looked like it was actually moving along
much much better... A recent screening up in New
York, just a two or three weeks ago wound up with
quite a few excited reviews.
So as I left my house today with Father Geek, I felt a
slimmer of hope. There might very well be a chance
that this movie might at least have decent scenes of a
shark eating people. That’s what I wanted. Cool
human food deaths.
In the line, people were mostly up for the movie. The
trailer from Warner Brothers had done it’s job (unlike
THE IRON GIANT trailers) and had grabbed hold of
these people and made them excited to see this
movie. Specifically that final shot of the trailer.
That’s what they were excited about.
We stood out there in the Lobby of one of them damn
gaudy Cinemark eyesores for over an hour and a half.
Staring at various short short wearing babes, a
STUART LITTLE standee, a WORLD IS NOT
ENOUGH standee, banners for MYSTERY MEN.
Also on tiny television screens trailers played out
endlessly... too bad they were trailers for the first half
of the summer.... sigh.
Dad was detailing his recent adventure with a man, a
legend... an artist friend that we have often had
adventures around the globe with. He had just
returned from an excursion to the Gulf of Mexico to
dig in the ruined blackened ash ridden home of the
artist’s father. Digging and shoveling for remains of
a family’s lifetime of acquisitions. Father Geek
helping to identify the scorched remains for Insurance
purposes.
Finally the line jerks forward and we are given
admittance to the auditorium where we will be
subjected to DEEP BLUE SEA.
I’m not excited in the least to be here. I hear one
person say, “It can’t be worse than LAKE PLACID.”
“Hmph,” I say to myself. Ya see, it seems a lot of
people are still not ‘getting’ LAKE PLACID, it’s not
supposed to be SCARY... It’s a comedy, and if the
studio had realized that and not tried to sell the movie
as a giant alligator movie, and instead tried to sell the
movie as a Smart-Ass Comedy that happened to have
a giant Crocodile.... well... That’d be different.
Quint is there, and the group sitting behind us was
very loud and... they were reacting to each and every
slide on the screen. This is usually a clue that you are
going to have to at least turn around 4 times to tell the
people sitting behind you to SHUT UP. See... if
people behind you are talking about life, rent
problems, their boob job, where they hid the
treasure... Well, that means they are paying the slides
no mind and denotes a reasonable amount of disdain
for talking AT the screen, whereas people that do
nothing but talk about what is on the screen from
instant to instant. That means they have NOTHING
ELSE TO THINK and/or TALK ABOUT. Usually I
move, but by this time the seats in front of ours were
already taken.... sigh.... Well, maybe their inane
dialogue will entertain me through this shitty movie.
As you can probably surmise I wasn’t in a very good
mood. I wasn’t happy to be where I was for that
moment in time. In fact, I was mostly thinking about
how I’d like to be in some club on 6 Street with
Annette Kellerman listening to some groovy music. I
was also thinking about my egg carton I got from
DREAMWORKS today (more on that on another
story today)
When the lights went down and the trailer for STIR
OF ECHOES came up... the first smile of the evening
began. Then when the trailer for DETROIT ROCK
CITY came on, I again smiled. I can’t wait to see
that film. Then a new trailer for THREE KINGS
which implies that there are many suitcases of gold,
whereas the first trailer made it seem like all the
trouble was for one suitcase of the stuff Auric
Goldfinger dreams of. Ultimately 3 good trailers, all
of which represented movies I would RATHER be
seeing.
Also during this time period I noticed that the sound
was turned ALL THE WAY up, and as I thought the
people behind me were in fact talking non-stop
through the trailers, in fact at one point they said,
“Why’s it soooo loud?”
And if I had not been enjoying the trailers so much, I
would have answered her with, “Because the only
sound we are supposed to be hearing is coming from
those speakers!”
Then DEEP BLUE SEA began. I prepared myself
for the acupuncture this movie was going to give my
brain. Thousands of needles, I thought, stabbed into
my noggin. That’s what DEEP BLUE SEA would be
like. I had a bottle of Advil in my car awaiting the
inevitable headache I would be wrought with.
DEEP BLUE SEA
If this were a remake of JAWS it would suck so
incredibly because at every single character level it is
inferior and has none of that film’s brilliance.
If this were the same genre as JAWS, that being
adventure, it would also suck. Structurally it just can
not match up.
HOWEVER, this movie is not a remake of JAWS.
This is closer to a Crichton movie. Think structurally
in terms of Crichton’s work.
You have a talented group of people in a remote
research facility and/or isolated area. These are
people with singular skills that when working in
tandem can overcome that which faces them, which
ultimately was created initially by them in the name
of science or the advancement of mankind. There is
always a series of time limits and problems that will
cause the problems to advance. And by the end of it
all... Usually those least involved with the creation of
the sin to humanity will arise the victor with perhaps
one of the scientists that has now learned the error of
their ways.
It’s very formulaic, but ya know what? I like that
formula. It’s a favorite of mine. It goes back to THE
HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE.... DOC SAVAGE...
AGATHA CHRISTIE... You know.
Alright, now that I’ve caught you up to the genre of
the film. It’s not horror or adventure... It’s
Crichton-y. We’ve seen this in film quite often
combined with the ocean/water.
POSEIDON ADVENTURE and THE ABYSS being
the best of the genre when water is involved. A
movie like... oh... Let’s say.... LEVIATHAN or
DEEP STAR SIX being at the bottom. And a movie
like DEEP RISING and SPHERE existing
somewhere in the middle.
Well.... I do believe that DEEP BLUE SEA exists
above that middle level, but still significantly below
the first two. The movie is fun. Remember that
word? Fun. It’s one of the primary reasons to go to a
theater.
Are the sharks believable? I don’t know. I have
never seen sharks move as fast as these do, but I have
also never seen a shark with a brain the size of an
engine block. Maybe smart sharks swim faster,
though in the human world... Don’t smarter people
run slower? Or is it that for my own personal ego, I
try to use that as a justification for my own obesity.
Hmmm...
While the sharks may be CGI-y... They are the best
villains thus far in any Renny Harlin movie.
Meanwhile, his good guys/gals are mostly forgettable
with the notable exception of LL COOL J and
SAMUEL L JACKSON. First, I would have
advertised this film as starring Sam Jackson, just as
Fox originally advertised ALIEN as starring Tom
Skerritt.
Sure it’s not true, but sometimes truth is not the most
important component of a movie marketer’s agenda.
He/She is supposed to service the film as well as the
box office. Now saying that, the trailers for DEEP
BLUE SEA did not ‘give the movie away’, but they
could have been a tad better than they were.
Then there’s LL COOL J, the true star of the movie.
He’s the character that above all others shines.
DEEP BLUE SEA is not the reinvention of the wheel.
It’s a straight formula film. However, the formula is
played pretty darn well. The set up of this ‘near to
the surface’ research facility made it most resemble
ANDROMEDA STRAIN, though once again, I want
to make it clear that it’s not as good as that film.
BUT.... It is still A LOT OF FUN. It’s got good
jump scares. It has plenty of those, “What the hell are
you doing you stupid character you,” moments. And
at certain points you are feeling an awful lot like a
crowd gathered about in a Roman Coliseum rooting
for blood to be spilt. AND you get it. When people
get eaten in this film it is VERY graphic and violent.
However, none of the deaths have the impact say of
Quint’s death in JAWS, but that’s because the
characters here don’t have near the development as
that film.... Instead, they’re Crichton-style characters
that have just enough establishment to show that they
know when to flip a switch, how to jump a relay, how
to bulldog this or that... Ya know what I mean?
Ultimately, if you want to see Sharks eat people real
good. If you want to see POSEIDON ADVENTURE
with a shark on the ship chasing you. The film is very
much built upon a visceral reaction and not an
emotional or thought provoking one.
It’s very much the film it is advertised as being. It is
the shark movie of Summer 1999.