Hey there folks. There have been lots of rumblings coming off the Paramount lot recently. So many, that even Jeffrey Wells has begun to track down the rumors. You see, it has to do with the STAR TREK franchise... specifically with the feature film part of the franchise. Word has begun circulating that Patrick Stewart and crew have begun to put pressures on Paramount, and have been offering some suggestions as to the direction the franchise needs to be moving in. And of course that change would have to begin with an oust of Rick Berman. Personally, in my opinion, nothing better could be done for the franchise. Get rid of Berman. Star Trek fans are fans not because of his genius, but in spite of his... ahem... meddling. Bring in A-list directors and writers... Make real movies, not two part episodes shot on 35 mm film stock. Well, our faithful reporter from inside the battlements, DJ LEGATE DAMAR has been on this shit like flies and here's the word he's been listening to...
STAR TREK INSURRECTION?
An investigative report by DJ Legate Damar
Yo, peep this:
Dr. Soran? Iced. The Borg Queen? Capped her. Ruafo? See ya. So who's next for the almighty Captain Picard and Commander Data, well-loved heroes of Star Trek: The Next Generation? That's right, homies...
Rick Berman.
That's the straight dope. Our man Rick is now firmly in the phaser-rifle cross hairs of fan faves Patrick Stewart (the best actor ever to grace a Sci-Fi TV show) and Brent Spiner (a close second). It seems that the intrepid Captain and his android second officer don't take too kindly to talk that the Ber-Man and his catamite, Mini-Rick are considering icing them and their peeps out of the next Trek flick. It seems that they don't find it amusing when their former EP starts talking about "reimagining the franchise" -- which is just a friendly way of saying, "get those old farts out of the picture". Stewart and Spiner's message to Rick and his homunculus?
Reimagine *this*, bitch.
Street says that Stewart and Spiner have had several sit-downs with The Powers That Be at Paramount, trying to get Rick out of the picture and have themselves made top dogs on the Trek movie franchise. Street says they've even been talking to a load of talented writers (hint: ain't none of 'em working on a Trek series right now, but then I did say "talented"...) to back their play when the hit goes down. Street also says that they may be gaining some traction -- after all, homes, I don't know about y'all's neighborhood but in mine? Ain't nobody sits their ass in a movie theater for a Star Trek movie 'cause they can't wait to see the words "Executive Producer - Rick Berman" splash across the scene. Damn, if it ain't Da Man Captain Picard and his fine band a fly honies, it had better be kicking it old school with Captain Kirk and a half-naked green bitch.
But that ain't the half of it. By now every pimp and his hos know that the Rick-Man and loverboy are takin' it from the inside, too. Busting heads with Paramount about the new series (yo, fellas -- didn't y'all learn that "no" means "no"?) and the ratings for Star Drek Voyager headed where the sun don't shine. Shit, G, the best ratings news those soulless mofo's got in the last month was the ratings spike they got when they aired "Pathfinder" and found a way to slip the words "Captain Picard" into the teaser. Surely, somebody at Paramount has gotta be able to do the math when two little words give up a 30% ratings boost. (I know nobody in the Trek offices can figure it out -- these are the same geniuses who thought "mining for deuterium" was a good idea. I got your dark matter asteroid right here, man.) Anyway, Rickster isn't anywhere close to chillin' like a villain -- he's in paranoia land, beset on all sides by the tyranny of not-so evil men. Well, here's a clue: just because he's paranoid doesn't mean nobody's out to get him.
So that's the word, people. The battle lines are being drawn. On one side, we got Rick and his toadies, on the other we got the characters we know and love. The only question is, who's side are we on? Cause I guarantee we won't have both when Trek X comes out. There can be no peace as long as Berman's running the movies into the ground. So I call on each and every one of you to write to Paramount and tell 'em you'll take your Captain Picard with a side order of Data, hold the Rick. I call on each and every one of you to resist. Resist today. Resist tomorrow. Resist until the last Berman crony has been driven from the Paramount lot.
Remember: They can take our money, but they can't take away our Star Trek!
