Hey folks, Harry here with a look at two films that didn't make Vorpal Bunny a happy bunny at all. In fact, I do believe that the Vorpal Bunny felt a bit like Bigwig after his battle with General Woundwort... So you might want to do a bit more research before stumbling into a theater with either of these two films. In otherwords... Find out more.
I had the misfortune of seeing two of the most misguided films of 1999 a few
days ago. One of which (Deterrence) will hopefully never see the light of
day, and the other (Chain of Fools) will be poorly marketed by Warner
Brothers and find its way at the bottom of every moviegoer's must-see list on
opening weekend.
First, Deterrence. The newly assigned (long backstory) President of the USA
(Kevin Pollack) learns a crazed Middle Eastern leader with unknown amounts of
nuclear and biological weapons has invaded a nearby country. The President
and his team, trapped in a snowstorm in the middle of Colorado, find their
way to a small diner and set up a base of operations. What sets itself up to
be a tense political thriller turns out to be a boring, illogical waste of
film. In that diner sits a very fat Sean Astin, a young waitress from
Canada, the weathered cook, and a wealthy couple. Over the next two very
long hours these one-dimensional side characters watch as Kevin Pollack
sweats, ponders, and jokes his way into a nuclear war with the Middle East.
An impressive turn from Timothy Hutton as Pollack's right hand man is not
enough from saving this sorry film from the deep end. The overall tone of
the film shifts from outright satire to melodrama to disgusting physical
comedy (with a man's face sizzling on a kitchen stove), and leaves the viewer
confused and detatched from the (attempt at) tension onscreen. The action of
the film takes place in a single room, making the film feel more like a stage
play than a motion picture. If the director had used interesting camera
angles or a unique production design, the film could have been more
interesting, but as it stands now, with an unremarkable cast and an extremely
unbelievable ending, Deterrence is definately one to miss.
This 'film' marks the directorial debut of Rod Lurie. If you don't know who
this man is, he used to be a film critic. I hesitate to use that phrase to
desribe him because his only skill was to be a complete ass, both in print
and on his radio show. There's a lesson in this, kids: if you bitch and moan
enough in the entertainment industry, someone is bound to give you some money
to make a movie. It worked for this jackass, so it can work for you too.
Enough ranting about Deterrence. Let me rant about Chain of Fools
This comedy/crime-caper film from Warner Brothers, to be released later this
Spring, stars Steve Zahn, Salma Hayek, Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldbloom, and a
cast of dozons of recognizable character actors. In the same vein as Two
Days In The Valley, the film follows the exploits of several characters
revolving around the heist of a few rare coins. Steve Zahn, a barber with a
bad haircut, overhears Jeff Goldbloom talking about the coins, and finds
himself entangled in the crime. Salma Hayek, playing a very unbelievable
police detective, tracks him down and, while assesing his guilt...
***FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM***
Now, if that phrase, put between Salma Hayek and Steve Zahn, makes you cringe
too, then you must understand how uncomfortable I felt watching Salma and
Steve stripping. One hot woman and a dopey guy do not equal a beliveable
movie match! When will these studio executives get it? Perhaps I am biased,
but as a woman, I am sick and tired of these ludicrous match-ups between
screen couples. Michael Douglas and Gwyneth Paltrow? Catherine Zeta-Jones
and Sean Connery?
Enough about the match-up, what about the story? Well, my earlier allusion
to Two Days in the Valley stands here as well. This film is as convoluted
and unfunny as you can get. There are a few cute details that make some
scenes sparkle with imagination, but the suicide jokes, the bratty kid, the
unfunny characters, make the whole film very weak. For example, Elijah Wood
plays a teenage hitman whose parents committed suicide when he was a kid.
Steve Zahn's parents committed suicide when he was a child, making him a
loser in life and his sister a slut with a psychopathic son. Salma Hayek's
father committed suicide when she was a child. Does any of this sound funny
to you? Me neither.
If the film had spent a little more time fleshing out the characters perhaps
the film would have succeeded a bit more. As it stands, with too many
characters, not enough laughs, and an ending that can be seen for miles, Chain
of Fools just didn't work.
Please, if there is a film god, let there be some good films out there in our
near future. I know the Spring is usually used as a dumping ground for all
those films not deemed worthy enough of Oscar consideration., but The Beach?
Down to You? Have mercy on us, please!
Vorpal Bunny
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