Well, Father Geek here with a look at that new Bruce flick, THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, posted by Quint viva the Orca's crackling shipboard radio...Yeah, ol' Quint doesn't post as often as he once did since landing that movie industry job in the late Fall. Hopefully as his position solidifys he'll be able to leak us a few sneakpeeks at the flicks ahead... or at least score his old fishing buddies some great swag...

A quick note for those that are interested: HARRY and THE DUDE were spotted this morning having breakfast in an open air cafe in downtown San Jose, Costa Rica with some of the local Central American fans of the site... Tooo Coooool!

Ahoy there, Father Geek and Constant Readers.

AICN's resident crusty seaman here once again, this time with look at Bruce Willis' latest flick, The Whole Nine Yards.

As most of you know by now, Harry has embarked on a seagoing mission with The Dude and Ebert to take back the Panama Canal (with fun stops along the way, of course). What most of you probably don't know is the waters they're traveling through are some of the most shark-infested on this big blue ball we call home. It didn't take the sharks long to realize the sizable meal that was floating their way. I got an SOS from Harry saying their vessel were under attack. I replied, "Why do you need my salty ass to do the job? The Dude's cool enough to level that damn pesky shark without breaking a sweat!" Well, apparently The Dude had one to many White Russians was out of the fight.

To make a long story short, I busted my ass to The Orca, quickly sped to the coordinates given to me by Harry, shot a shitload of barrels into him, then dragged the big fucker home (the shark, that is. Not Harry). I tell you what, my taxidermy man nearly had a heart attack when he saw what I brung him! As thanks for saving the mission, Harry gave me the name of a theater here in Austin, a date and a time.

That about brings us to the movie itself. The Whole Nine Yards is the kind of movie you hate describing to your friends. "Was it good?" Not terribly. "Was it bad?" Not really. Enough of the comedy succeeds that you don't want to call it a bad movie, but enough fails so you don't want to call it a good movie, either. See what I'm getting at.

The flick basically follows Matthew Perry's dentist character as he's unwillingly dropped into a world of Gangsters, Hitmen and some pretty awful characters. The most annoying of which is Rosanna Arquette as Matthew Perry's bitch of a wife. Since the film is set mostly in Canada, they decided to let Rosanna go all out with the most annoying French accent she could muster. Thank God she's absent for most of the movie. Another character with an annoying accent (although not nearly as bad as Rosanna's) is Kevin Pollak's Gangster character. The accent serves no purpose to the story and is unfunny, which is a shame because I think Kevin Pollak is a very talented actor. It's also a shame because an intentionally bad accent be used hilariously. Take Lili Von Schtoop in Blazing Saddles for example.

All right, that was the bad. The good: Michael Clarke Duncan. The man has terrific presence, as established in The Green Mile. He further proves himself here. He enhances every scene he's in and proves that his talent isn't limited to one movie. His performance in The Whole Nine Yards isn't nearly as strong as his portrayal of John Coffy, mind you, but it at least shows this his presence wasn't a fluke or tricked out of him some way by Darabount. Both Michael and Bruce Willis have a lot of fun with their characters and their stereotypes.

Now on to Matthew Perry... I don't know. He does a lot of things that are supposed to be funny, but I thought just fell flat. I like the guy, I like his portrayal of his character, he just didn't pull off the comedy side of it. The gags he does don't seem funny. They seem a little... forced. Not convincing.

Overall, The Whole Nine Yards is a somewhat enjoyable who's-out-to-hit-who kind of tale, but not very memorable. Based on the films I've seen so far this year, it looks like Pitch Black will be the first big "Hell Yeah!!! This is a fuckin' movie" standout flick. The spot I believe The Matrix took last year. Most of the other films have been mediocre, including this one.

Well, Constant Readers, I'm off. I've got bigger fish to fry. Till next time...

-Quint

aicnquint@hotmail.com