Hey folks, Sheriff John T. Chance is back... with a vengence having seen BATTLEFIELD EARTH and SHANGHAI NOON the first time out, this time his tired old hands with their arthritic knuckles and callused soles of his feet... this time he got all spiffed up and headed out to wrangle up reviews of DINOSAUR and GONE IN SIXTY SECONDS. How did he do it? My guess, he just walked on the Disney lot, told Eisner about the good ol days when he (our Sheriff) and Walt used to shoot rats down by the old train tracks while J Edgar sung Marlene Dietrich numbers while pulling his standard Rockettes' number. Next thing ya know... he's sitting down watching a pair of anticipated Summer flicks... here we go....
Sheriff John T. Chance here. Okay you dangnamable varmints, you caught my
failing memory. See, there was this time back in the golden days when I was
a bit slow with a six shooter and caught a slug behind my left ear. The old
noggin's never been the same and now I tend to forget names. I'll be more
careful from now on, not because you scared me, mind you, but because you
deserve better. And from now on, I'll refer to OWEN Wilson as "The Blonde
One". Hell, it works for the Baldwin's.
Two films were screened in the saloon today. Both fairly good.
Dinosaur
First was Dinosaur. Now this rough and tumble Sheriff don't normally go for
cartoons, in fact I deplore pure shite like Tarzan and El Dorado. But when
I had the opportunity to watch the Rat's latest opus, I decided I was up for
a few hours of torture.
Low and behold, it wasn't torture. I'll start with the animation. You've
never seen anything like this come out of the US before. Only Japanese
animators have surpassed the pure visual glee I was filled with while
watching this film. The folks at the Rat have mixed CGI with old-fashioned
artwork to create the most stunning images I could've hoped for.
The plot is a bit thin, a dino is raised by a family of lemurs(why lemurs?
). There's an outcast story, a meteor shower story, and underdog triumph
story and a happy ending. But we don't expect Shakespeare from the Rat, now
do we?
The meteor shower alone is worth the price of ten tickets. The "actors" are
mostly B names, but that's fine. Like wen I was forced to watch Pocahontas,
I couldn't help but think "For crying out loud, that blonde-tressed pussy
isn't Mel!). In other words, the actors never become distracting(Rosie in
Tarzan anyone?)so I consider that a great job.
I expect this to be Disney's most successful(critically and
commercially)cartoon since Hamlet. Whoops, I mean, The Lion King. And
Dinosaur doesn't have any stereotypical villains confused about their
sexuality.
Final thoughts. Spectacular visuals cover up an average plot and the
kiddies should like the dumb humor. 3.5 boxes of popcorn with extra butter.
- - - - -
Gone In 60 Seconds
I can't figure out why people treat Bruckheimer like the Anti-Christ. Sure,
he doesn't make art films. Sure he doesn't know shite about character
development. But his films are pure eye candy and usually a thrill ride. I
enjoyed The Rock. I hated the hell out of Armageddon which was offensive
and annoying. I didn't know what to expect when I tuned in for Gone in 60
Seconds, but because it had the gorgeous and mysterious Angelina Jolie, I
was there.
So, did anyone really see the original? I didn't, but it sounds like pure
and utter crap. I don't know how much of the "plot" carries through, but
the new version starts with Nic Cages brother(Giovanni Ribisi)getting
kidnapped. His captors want a whole buttload of cars in ransom. Good thing
Cage is an expert car thief. But, he can't do it all alone so he sets out
to build his team. Straight out of one of the worst parts of Armageddon, we
recruit the members in a drawn out, unfunny, and unneeded "getting to know
you" segment. Please hold my badge while I vomit. Once we get to the
actual thefts, it speeds up(pun intended)and becomes an enjoyable ride(pun
intended).
The plot. I just told you what the plot was. There really isn't anything
else. Car stealing, car chases, car explosions, lots of fun stuff with cool
cars.
The performances are solid. I didn't much care for Cage, who seems to be
doing his Con Air schtick to the max. When is he going to do good work
again? Or was Leaving Las Vegas an aberration? Jolie is this Sheriff's wet
dream. I was hoping to get a glimpse of her ta-tas, but was left wanting.
Oh well, I'll have to get out my copy of Gia. She's pretty good here, and
obviously has more fun than in last year's stink bomb The Bone Collector. I
liked Delroy Lindo. Master P was a waste of celluloid. Ribisi was pretty
good, as was Scott Caan. For this type of flick, the actors were above
average.
Final thoughts? Don't go in expecting an intricate plot full of twists and
turns. If you're an action fan, you should enjoy this. Three boxes of
unevenly buttered and salted popcorn.(would've been 3.5 if they'd have
showed us Angelina's ta-tas).
You're praise and criticism is expected.
This is Sheriff John T Chance shining his star and signing out
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