BATTLEFIELD EARTH review

BATTLEFIELD EARTH is that amazing turd in your toilet bowl. That log of shit that has colors that you can't understand the reason for being there. It also has a weird shape... it somehow resembles something familiar. You almost want to take a picture of it to show friends late at night, when the blinds are drawn and have a dirty filthy thing you want to disgust someone with, but... you have this inate curiousity... "Have you ever seen anything quite like this?"

Your friend will inevitably take a look and say, "Whoa, what a piece of shit!"

And you will respond with, "Yeah, but don't you think it's fascinating how.."

Your friend will interupt with, "Dude, why did you take a picture of this log of shit? Why did you waste the film?"

"Because I thought it would be interestin.."

"Dear God, It's just a log of shit!"

Humiliated, you take the picture back. Knowing that it contains some strange familiar kernals that you had once remembered ingesting and liking, and the picture reminds you that it once had the ingredients for a good meal. But... the form and color... the angle in the toilet bowl. In some weirdass freaky fucked up way, it reminds you of art. So... you send the picture to Larry Flynnt and Hustler... a true bastion of tasteless joy. And one day, a year or so later, that same friend comes up to you and says... "Dude, take a look at this shit! You ever seen anything so fucking disgusting?"

And you'll smile, knowing that it's a piece of shit that alot of people will see and discuss. And it is at this point in you delusion that you realize that the film is not really worth taking that picture of. That it's best left flushed on what screens it has touched. That the sewer line will carry it away, and that ultimately this shit deserves to be left unseen and in a cold dark tube where it will soon amass with the shit of the ages. Rats and insects will feed upon those one or two kernals of undigested ingredients. They'll be eaten by birds, that will fall to the ground and fertilize a flower many years from now and those kernals will be appreciated in a small part to something beautiful... on down the road.

But for now... BATTLEFIELD EARTH is a log of shit. Look only if you like to stare at shit.

TRANSLATED REVIEW WITH SPOILERS: (wasn't included originally because I had to leave the house to go see DINOSAUR this morning, but wanted to post to give folks my warning and a place to begin discussing)

When I say there are a couple of kernals in this log of shit, I'm talking about Forrest Whittaker and John Travolta. Their characters are playing high camp HOGAN'S HEROES nazis. In fact.... that's what this movie is... A scifi version of HOGAN'S HEROES. Forrest is playing Sgt Schultz and Travolta is Col Klink. And Hogan? Well that's Barry Pepper. Now... take away the (Facetiously) Startling wit and humor of HOGAN'S HEROES. Take away the satiric wit. Give the Nazi's the Klingon look with noseplugs and KISS boots and an amped up version of the SPACE 1999 ray gun, give them flying toasters and teleportation devices. Give these Space Nazis a home planet where... if you were to turn a microwave on, the planet would explode. Give Col Klink some Mr Magoo qualities and the 1 + 1 ability of Forrest Gump and you begin to get the point. Oh... Also add one case of KNIGHTS OF NIGH, albeit bloodless.

Now, there's only one way to enjoy this film, and that's to treat it like your child's fingerpainting. You can tell that these guys really loved this movie. Travolta hasn't had this much fun on camera since BROKEN ARROW, but is that a good thing? I don't know.

You see, this is an interesting log of shit. No matter what you do, you can not get around a TERRIBLE screenplay that has so many plotholes and leaps of logic that you have to begin to wonder what was in the tubes going in everyones' noses.

Did you hate the Apple Computer talking to the mothership in ID4? Well, how about one single nuclear weapon that powderizes a planet in mere seconds.

How about logical dialogue? Here's one for ya. These man-animals (did you ever see MANIMAL... that rocked) use the phrase... PIECE OF CAKE.

Man is down to eating rats raw, a 1000 years from now. They don't know how to use a pickaxe. They have no knowledge of baking or cooking for that matter. They don't understand Wheat, Barley, Sugar, anything. They're cooking rabbits, dogs and rats over open flames and skinning them to make clothes. But they are a 1000 years removed from knowing what a cake is. That'd be like... what did man eat in 1000 years bc, you would have no knowledge of the word CAKE.

I adore watching Barry Pepper trying deperately to deliver speeches stiffer than Costner's PRINCE OF THEIVES monologues and buther them a thousand fold.

Now is this the worst movie ever made? No. Is it the worst film in theaters currently? No, that'd be I DREAMED OF AFRICA. Is it the worst scifi film in recent memory? No... SOLDIER, EVENT HORIZON, SUPERNOVA and WING COMMANDER are all far worse than you'll see with this movie. That doesn't mean this is a great film, or a good film or even a passable film. This is merely mediocre. One of those films that besides one or two bright kernals... it should be flushed. It belongs in that great big sea of crap. Take care....