Harry Lime and Eric Cartman Get GRINCHED!!

Hey, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab.

I'm not even going to clutter this article up by writing some long intro. HARRY LIME has done a great job here recruiting a new spy, a familiar little roly-poly loudmouth who's sounding off about Ron Howard's newest. I hope to see the final finished print a little later this month so I can see how it call came together. For now... here's the only man more shady than me, a reprobate beyond compare, the one and only Lime.

Hey, Geeks. Harry Lime here...

I don’t know about you, but the idea of a modern filmmaker bringing Theodore Geisel’s iconic creation The Grinch to the screen for a big budget romp makes me a little uneasy. Especially when the filmmaker is named Ron Howard. Ron’s had his moments, no argument there, but he’s also made his share of messes as well. One thing I’ll give him, though, is that he’s always meant well. He’s never just outright sucked ass like, say, Renny Harlin or Paul (SOLDIER) Anderson.

A few months back Howard invited Harry and Moriarty to a private screening of his new telling of the classic Suess story. When they came back, I begged for details... a reassurance that the movie didn’t blow goat. Moriarty said it was “very rough, but everything was there for them to turn it into a great film.”

Since wanted posters of me are plastered all over the streets of Vienna and Hollywood, it makes sneaking into test and advanced screenings of new movies a bit difficult. So last night I decided to venture out in my mud soaked trench coat and hang around the theater where they were sneaking THE GRINCH. As the audience let out I studied the faces, trying to gage their reactions. It wasn’t enough, though. I needed to actually talk to one of them. I spotted a little round dude waddling out with a super fine girl on his arm. I could tell they were talking about the film, so I made my move...

HARRY LIME: So, you just saw THE GRINCH?

ERIC CARTMAN: Yeah, I saw THE GRINCH.

HL: Big audience?

EC: The theater was packed. It was a long line. More than enough people wanted to come see it. Big audience, yeah.

HL: How do you feel they reacted?

EC: There wasn’t too much buzz when the movie ended, but I think everyone liked it. My girlfriend said that there were some girls in the restroom saying they didn’t like it. I liked it. She liked it. I’m easily entertained. I thought the movie was good. I had some laughs, I was high, I had a good time.

HL: Did the film appear to be finished?

EC: Yeah. They told us before the film started that it was unfinished, that some of the color might not be right. There was this one guy who stood up front, typical white dude. “Thank you for coming, this is a screening, it’s not complete.” But I didn’t see any flaws in the film. It seemed complete from beginning to end. It wasn’t choppy. It looked finished, pretty clean. I hope they keep it the way it is. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell else they’d have to do to it.

HL: The special effects were in place?

EC: The special effects are in place. It looks done. The Grinch’s sleigh... that was nice. There’s a snowflake we fly into at the beginning of the movie. We come through that then break through the clouds and see the town and all the mountains. Wow.

HL: Overall, what did you think of the film?

EC: I thought it was fun. My girlfriend thought it was cute. It was good. It was entertaining for the kids, of course. Kids can be tough critics. They either like something or they don’t. We all grew up with Dr. Suess, though, so it’s good for all ages. For the little kids, it’s got enough of a new story and humor, and for the adults it’s got the nostalgia of Dr. Suess. The beginning of the film is a little slow, but once the little girl [Cindy Lou Who] goes on her mission to help out The Grinch it was like... action, action, action. He comes to town, he’s pissed off, he goes back, then he’s like buildin’ stuff all crazy. It’s not a film adults would go see and not like. Everyone was clapping when he started singing “The Grinch Song.”

HL: How many songs are there?

EC: Cindy Lou Who sings a song. She’s adorable. The Grinch sings a song. And there’s a final song at the end. Three songs.

HL: (with an arched eyebrow) Jim Carrey sings?

EC: Jim Carrey, yes. Jim sings.

HL: How’s Rick Baker’s makeup?

EC: The Who people have a funny look. The Grinch makeup is great. There’s a baby Grinch and there’s an eight-year-old Grinch. The little baby Grinch was funny. The makeup on him was great.

HL: For the eight-year-old Grinch, did they put a little kid in the makeup and contact lenses?

EC: Yeah, yeah...

HL: How horrible.

EC: It must have been tough. Yeah, it was a little kid, unless it was a midget. Coulda been a midget. There are midgets in the film. (laughs)

HL: How’s Ron Howard’s work?

EC: Hey, his brother’s in it!

HL: Clint.

EC: Yeah. I didn’t really notice him until the last scene. He coulda been in the movie the whole time, though. Mayor Who’s assistant... that’s Clint.

HL: Actually, Moriarty told me that basically the whole Howard clan shows up here and there as usual. Say, is Fonzie in the movie?

EC: No Fonzie.

HL: How about Donny Most?

EC: I did not see Mr. Most.

HL: Okay, I’m glad we got that cleared up. Is there any profanity in the film?

EC: Fuck, no. It’s The Grinch.

HL: What did you think about the character The Grinch... his journey, the changes he goes through? He goes, he steals the toys, and because of one of the little Whos he finds redemption and discovers the true meaning of Christmas. Right?

EC: Right. The little girl wants to know why The Grinch is the way he is, why he’s so mad at Christmas. In the movie, when he’s a baby, he comes to the Who town in a basket and the Whos take him in. He looks weird and different, of course. A few years later, he’s in school, he’s an eight year old kid, it’s Christmas day and everyone’s gonna trade gifts. So he gets all excited ‘cause he thinks this girl in class likes him. So he makes a gift for her. He gets into the Christmas spirit, y’know? And then he comes to class and the other kids start baggin’ on him. One of the kids, the future Mayor actually, he’s like, “You’re an eight year old with a beard! Nobody’s gonna like you!” So he goes home and he tries to shave. He comes to school the next day with a bag over his head. This is a great scene. The kids say, “Take the bag off.” So he puts his book up and takes the bag off, to keep his face covered. And they say, “Lower your book.” And then he lowers his book, but his foot is right in front of his face. And they’re like, “Move your foot.” He moves his foot and he’s got like all these nicks and scratches from shaving and the whole class laughs at him. So he gets like real pissed off in class and starts throwing shit all over the place and from then on he just like bones out and starts climbing and he finds his place and goes on with his Grinch life from there.

HL: How does The Grinch re-enter the picture?

EC: Well, the Whos have this little parade where they pick the guy who represents the Christmas spirit most. And the little girl is like, “I think The Grinch shouldn’t be alone.” So she goes up the mountain and invites The Grinch down.

HL: That’s the scene where The Grinch tries to scare her and she just thinks he’s funny. So she laughs at him.

EC: Right. She’s not afraid of him ‘cause she knows he’s not a bad guy. She like, ”I’m not scared of you.” So The Grinch is like debating whether or not he’s gonna go, and he’s running around Jim Carrey-style going, “What should I wear?” and all this stuff. And he finally comes down to the town and everything’s going good, everyone’s happy, they’re all clapping for him. There’s this whole scene where he’s being carried around on a chair and he’s having a great time. Then the Mayor gives him a prize... a razor blade, a shaver... and The Grinch like gets traumatized by this. So he shaves that fool’s head and goes back up to the mountain and decides to ruin Christmas. He starts building his sleigh. The sleigh is bad. It’s got these two turbine engines. There’s like all this fire coming out.

HL: Is The Grinch’s dog real or CG?

EC: He’s a real dog.

HL: Does the dog give any sort of performance?

EC: That dog is great. He acts like a real dog. They didn’t ham him up. There’s a funny scene... everyone liked this... in which The Grinch pretends he’s a movie director and he’s directing the dog. He’s like, “What’s your motivation?” After they rip off the town, on the way back the sleigh runs out of gas and the dog has to pull them all the way back to the top of the mountain. That was the only part where the dog was CG, I think. The shot was from a distance, so it’s hard to tell. The dog was funny. He compliments The Grinch well.

HL: Is The Grinch’s final transformation genuine? Does Jim pull it off?

EC: The final transformation, where he actually starts feeling something, isn’t until the very end. After he’s stolen the gifts and has come back to his place he hears the Whos singing. He starts to think that maybe it’s not all about gifts... they do care. And that’s when his heart... he starts clutching his chest and he falls to the ground and he’s hurting because his heart is growing.

HL: Is there a special effect shot of his heart growing inside of him?

EC: No. We just see it pumping under his fur, the outline. It’s funny, in the beginning of the film we see him x-ray himself to look at his heart and it’s all shriveled up. He’s proud and says, “Half a size down, and this time I’m keeping it off.” When it grows in the end, he starts crying.

HL: Real tears? Or does it look like they put a little fake tear on Carrey’s face to help him along?

EC: (long pause) Um... they looked fake. But with those contact lenses, it might have been natural. Those lenses looked painful.

HL: What did you think of Jim’s performance overall?

EC: I think he was good. It’s sort of a child’s film, so he’s kind of on the corny side. He wasn’t as funny as I thought he’d be, ‘cause I think they held him back on the outrageous stuff. I don’t think it’s Jim Carrey’s fault. He just did what the role required of him. But his movements, his facial expressions... it made the movie.

HL: He earned his paycheck?

EC: I don’t know if anyone deserves a paycheck like the ones he gets, but for the work he does, yeah... he earned it.

HL: Will you pay to see it again?

EC: I’ll probably take my little sisters to see it. Yeah, I’ll see it again.

The look in his girlfriend’s eyes told me that I should probably wrap it up. That was okay, though. I got what I came for... a sense that everything may indeed be okay in Whoville. As they walked off into the night, I called out to Cartman. “Do you come to these screenings often?!” He glanced back, a smirk firmly in place. “All the damn time.”