DUNGEONS & DRAGONS review

First off… if you are going into DUNGEONS & DRAGONS wanting anything remotely close to a serious action adventure… then you will HATE this movie with every essence of your being.

HOWEVER… I went into this film wanting it to be on par with movies like INFRAMAN and THE MYSTERIANS… I knew the effects were unrealistic… from the trailer it looked like dialogue and delivery were a tad, shall we say, OVER THE TOP… BUT I was wrong. This isn’t INFRAMAN or THE MYSTERIANS, that is the wrong genre of film to take with you.

Instead this felt like those old Roger Corman flicks like LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, THE RAVEN and COMEDY OF TERRORS. Now there is a difference… I think Courtney Solomon, the director, wasn’t aiming for that… but all the same he got it. Jeremy Irons is everybit Boris Karloff in THE RAVEN… although mix him with the fevered blistering delivery of Raul Julia’s General Bison from STREET FIGHTER.

This movie is camp and goofy and stupid… STOOOOOPIDDDDD, but fun. I’ll give you a taste.

First off, William Shatner turns in the most amazing acting performance I’ve ever seen from him. The make up was astounding… But it seems that somehow they managed to transform William Shatner into a young teenage princess that controls gold dragons. Oh yes, this is what I saw with mine own eyes. Shatner took the screen-name of Thora Birch, but really convinced me that he was a vaguely clueless ideological teenage princess. WAY TO GO BILL!

Next was Jar Jar Binks. Wholly Sweet Jesus… Somebody cast Jar Jar Binks as a small time thief in this film. Jar Jar plays a character called SNAILS. He’s ditched the ‘mesa’ accent and is performing this character after watching tape after tape of Lou Costello and Mantan Moreland performances. This wasn’t much of a stretch for Jar Jar, but I have to again credit the amazing make up work to make Jar Jar into… well more human. Also, it seems noone was really willing to put their name to this movie, cause Jar Jar decided to be billed as Marlon Wayans. Oh there is one scene in particular with Jar Jar that I can’t imagine spoiling for you… but damn if you won’t cheer! Damn that funny Gungan… gets me everytime.

Then you have the romance between two unknowns. One is a MAGE, which apparently in this universe is synonymous with J.A.P. (Jewish American Princess), and a THIEF, which means GUTTER TRASH. Both are rather run-of-the-mill in acting terms… cute… adorable in that… You remember the film BATTLE BEYOND THE STARS? Well the modern day Richard Thomas and Darlanne Fluegel have been found!!! And thank God for that, because we needed them!

Oh… then.. hehhe.. then hhhahahaha, OHMYGOD… Then there is the Dwarf. Hahhaaha, The DWARF. OH GOD…. Ok, first off he looks just like my Dad but on steroids… Second, he’s taller than almost all the other characters… except when he hunches over. And dear Christ Almighty… "WHATCHA NEED IS A GOOD 255 POUND DWARF WOMAN WITH HAIR HANGING FROM ER CHIN SO YA GOTS SOMETHING TO HANG ON TO WHEN YA AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!" hahahhhaaa… LOL… Nothing. Nothing touches the Dwarf. He swings his axe so that he hits the guys in the pretty red capes with the FLAT of the blade… so basically.. it’s a FLY SWATTER not an AXE.

Bruce Payne is the bravest actor I have ever seen. To play the super evil bad ass that apparently, without permission, had anal intercourse with his wife the night before this film takes place…and who, unbeknownst to himself, then while he slept… was the victim of the most VILE prank ever committed. His sore wife placed her BLUE IRRADESCENT LIPSTICK on his lips… Then he had his big… help his master rule the world day of villainy… but everyone is too embarrassed to tell him… "DUDE WIPE THAT SHIT OFF YOUR FACE"… because 1)He’s weird enough that maybe he put it on to get people to pick a fight with him… 2)A man so mean that he can walk around with BLUE LIPSTICK on is just a man you do not fuck with! And 3)Maybe it’ll start a whole trend of NFL football players walking around with BLUE LIPSTICK! Yeah… it’s a macho thang.

Did I mention the ELF TRACKER girl yet? No? Ok, well she’s pretty cool… but someone in wardrobe worked on BARBARELLA and had this one costume that Jane Fonda said, "Oh no, I won’t wear that, I have my self-respect and there is a point I won’t go beyond!" Well… that costume… it’s on this gal. And brother, if your ribs don’t start cracking the first time you see… well, you’ll see.. CHRIST WHAT WERE THEY THINKING???

Now I know what you are thinking… You are wondering how fan favorites like Tom Baker and Richard O’Brien are in the film. Well… they are real cool. Richard plays the ‘king of the thieves’ and he does it with… what else? RELISH. And then Tom Baker, well he’s on screen for maybe a minute or two, but hehehe… Dude, he’s Tom Baker… He’s cool.

Now for the special effects. THERE ARE A TON OF THEM. And the best thing you can say is that they are consistent. And that is real important. When you have a smaller budget and you are trying to make the absolute MOST out of everything… You have to put it up there… Throughout the film there are CG creatures terrorizing. And because they are all of the same quality we don’t have any SPAWN scenes where suddenly the effects are awful. But then… we don’t have a scene where they are PERFECT either. What we got is a lot of moving paintings.

You remember the painted covers to DUNGEONS & DRAGONS books? Well, these dragons, beholders, Imps and other magical effects look like those paintings brought to life. There aren’t any scales or photorealism to the dragons… they are paintings flying about. Remember in WHAT DREAMS MAY COME… you couldn’t criticize the digital matte paintings there because… well it was fantasy. SAME HERE. The digital matte paintings… and the dragons on them look of the same universe… and so does everything else. This isn’t like Disney’s BEAUTY AND THE BEAST where you have nice rich animation… then suddenly there’s a big CG chandelier and ballroom which doesn’t look like it should be there. HERE IT ALL FITS.

The movie is GLORIOUSLY awful. This is a SIX PACK FILM (and that six pack is for you specifically… the guy sitting next to you should have his own). I’m seeing this film with the entire crew on Friday as a tune up for BUTT-NUMB-A-THON. Man, if the bad films were all like this…. Life would be a helluvalot more fun. There is no pretension here… this movie is grade z and knows it.

There is a charm to this film that is… well, DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS is like a small dicked man at a nudist camp… he knows his shortcomings so he just lets it all hang out. No real point to hiding it. The whole film is obvious like that… the effects, acting, dialogue, plot… the score… ALL RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN HANGING IN THE BREEZE!

When the film ends… there is this sense that… WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT… but then you look at the person next to you… and you can tell… they are thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!?!?!" so ya both just start laughing.

I swear, when this movie ends and you are staring at what is the last shot… the thought… "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT" will be resoundingly present in your brain. Go to the film, but be armed with friends… the goofy best friend type of friends… not the self-serious film snob friend, but the ones that can kick back and enjoy playing in mud. This is a helluva patch of mud! Enjoy.