Hey folks, Harry here... Just to let you know... many people that have already seen TOMB RAIDER are being forced by the studio to hold their reviews till the day of release. Yes, I have seen TOMB RAIDER, but I too was forced with an iron claw to sign silence as to my feelings about... this.... fil... filt... film. I am not allowed to say that it is one of the worst movies of the summer, if not the year. Or that it is an abomination. I actually have zero feelings about this... fi... fil... film... I'm completely neutral. However, Vincent Hanna signed no paper and is not a critic. Vincent Hanna is an amazingly perceptive man. Vincent Hanna's review is a wonderful and accurate look at the craftsmanship, acting and talent behind TOMB RAIDER. Vincent Hanna is my hero and here's his astute look at TOMB RAIDER....
"Tomb Raider" is going to be one of the worst movies of the summer, if not the year. It is an abomination. It is unbelievably, laughably bad. There are not words that can accurately describe just how pathetically awful it is. But I will try anyway.
We start with Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) fighting some big robot. No matter how many times she shoots the damn thing with her little pistols, it won’t die. Finally, after some fancy moves and migraine-inducing editing, she dismantles the robot and relishes a job well done.
Turns out it was all merely a training exercise in her massive mansion. Lara walks over to computer geek buddy Bryce (Noah Taylor), who complains about her using live rounds on the robot he created for her.
Thus begins a series of moronic and redundant action set pieces intended to pass as a movie. There is hardly a story here and not a hint of character development. The screenplay is credited to John Zinman and Patrick Massett, who hopefully will not pen another script anytime soon.
The villains are then introduced. One is Alex (Daniel Craig), an old friend turned enemy. The other is the wealthy and handsome Manfred Powell (Iain Glen).
Powell is after some key in Lara’s possession that will allow him to "play God," as he says about 100 times, by controlling time. His goons break into Lara’s house late at night as she is hanging in the air from some ropes and doing some kind of weird yoga. She puts up a good fight and kicks some ass over the next 15 minutes, in another overblown and boring action sequence, but the goons get away with the key anyway.
Lara, whose late father hid the key in their house, travels to Cambodia to raid a tomb and save the universe one more time. This time the moronic action sequence involves a bunch of CGI stone statues that come to life. Like all the action scenes, it goes on much longer than it has to and is quite stupid. The stone dudes are not even slightly menacing and look very phony.
I suppose that gives away enough of the movie. It really makes little sense and it’s hard to care one way or the other. There is another drawn out action scene in some cave hidden in some place called "the dead zone," but it hardly matters.
"Tomb Raider" has nothing going for it. You don’t care about any of the characters and it could not possibly be any more unoriginal or uninvolving.
The acting is weak all around. Everyone overacts shamelessly and it’s painful to see Jon Voight in his few scenes as Lara’s late pops. Jolie looks the part and looks good, but she is given nothing to do except shoot her two pistols about a million times.
Taylor and the silly butler are supposed to provide comic relief and spout off countless one-liners that all fall flat. Not one of them is remotely funny! If you think the one-liners in "The Mummy" movies are bad, you have seen nothing yet.
"Tomb Raider" is an absolute mess. It’s hard to imagine anyone walking away from it feeling like they got their moneys worth. Right now I would rate it as the worst movie of the year. Simon West sucks. This movie sucks.
Vincent Hanna
