Dimension To Remake DOLEMITE With LL COOL J!!!

Hey folks, Harry here... Ya know, sometimes you are just minding your own business when something insane hits you in the forehead... Like the news from Variety that DIMENSION has bought the rights to remake DOLEMITE with LL COOL J as Dolemite.

Ok, now I've got about a half gig of reasons why DOLEMITE should not be remade in the current political climate, but it all comes down to one simple thing. I just have zero faith that they'll make DOLEMITE as utterly badass and funny as hell as he was originally. LL COOL J is nice and all but he ain't got lazers that shoot out of his eyes, not like Rudy Ray Moore. Rudy Ray Moore simply talked, walked and stood like his dick was ankle long. Will Dimension give Dolemite his whores and let them remain Hos and not give them pathos? Will Dolemite slap his 'bitches' around while saying great one liners? Now am I saying this type of movie should be made right now... Hell yeah, but it needs to remain EXPLOITIVE as hell... But to make it what it needs to be, the MPAA will slap them with the NC17 just for language issues. Then again, if they do it right... hell, I'll be there, but check out this 'old school' Rudy Ray Moore rhyming action... will we see this sort of thing in DOLEMITE 2003? I can only pray. Click on the poem to visit Rudy Ray Moore's AMAZING Website!!!

Some folks say that Willie Greene,
Was the baddest muthafucka the world has ever seen.
But I want ya to light you up a joint and take a real good shit and screw
your wig on tight
And let me tell ya about the little bad muthafucka called Dolemite.
Now Dolemite was from San Anton'
A ramblin, scamblin, gamblin little young muthafucka since the day he
was born.
Why the day he was dropped from his Mammy's ass, He slapped his
Pappy's face
And said, "From now on, cocksucka, I'm running this place."
At the age of one he was drinkin whiskey and gin.
At the age of two he was eating the bottles it came in.
Now Dolemite had an Uncle called "Sudden Death".
Killed a dozen bad men from the smell of his breath.
When his Unc' heard how Dolemite was treatin his own Maw and Paw,
He said, "Let me go check this little bad rascal before he go too far."
Now one coooooold, dark December night,
His Uncle broke in on Dolemite.
Now Dolemite wasn't no more than three or fo'
When his Uncle come breakin through the do'.
His unc' said, "Dolemite,
I want you to straighten up and treat your brother right,
Cuz if you keep on with your dirty mistreatin,
I'm gonna whoop yo ass till your heart stop beatin"
Dolemite sittin in the middle of the floor playin,
He said, "I see yo lips quivering Unc', but I don't hear a cocksuckin word
your sayin."
This made his uncle mad. He let off with a right that made lightin flash!
But Dolemite tore his leg off. He was that damn fast.
Now all the men in San Anton' gathered around that night.
To see if they could do something about the little bad rascal called
Dolemite.
It took a hundred of the baddest, the boldest, the ugliest men in town,
Finally rode Dolemite's ass down.
Put him in jail, held him without bail.
If you think his Mammy was happy You shoulda seen his Pappy.
Now it's been eight long years since Dolemite's been fed.
The average muthafucka woulda long looong been dead.
Now the warden called Dolemite. Said, "Dolemite, I'm gonna tell you what
we gonna do
Now we gonna give you a dollar and a half and a damn good meal
If you promise to leave us alone And get your badass outta San Anton'."
Dolemite took the dollar and a half and the damn good meal.
And said, 'I'm gonna tell you old, jive, molded, ancient, decreppid,
muthafuckas how I feel."
Said, "Ya'll can suck my dick, nuts, and ass down to the muthafuckin
bone!
Because I ain't never comin back to San Anton'."

All rhymes borrowed from Rudy Ray Moore; Copyright ©, 1988. These and others are available on from CIE Records. Check your local record store
Ok, so you have read the holy words of one badass Rudy Ray Moore and now I have a question for you. Did you read the test screening review of the innoculous white-bread bullshit spoof, NOT ANOTHER TEEN MOVIE? Well the screenwriter of that is going to do DOLEMITE. Can you believe that? WHAT THE HELL? Now sure, Rudy Ray Moore is going to advise on the project, but hell... if it is anything like what they do to comic book creators, that'll mean he is asked to sit quietly in the corner. I just hope that if they begin skull-fucking the sanctity that is DOLEMITE, that Rudy Ray Moore will stand up in the correct threads and kung fu their dumb asses till they're all dead! Do Not Mess With DOLEMITE!

CLICK HERE TO READ THE ORIGINAL WIRE STORY!