HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Hey folks. Capone in Chicago here.

I ran a contest recently in which I asked those entering who wanted to see this movie early to write a short essay on why Guillermo del Toro qualifies as a demi-god. Of course, this was a silly question asked to provoke some of the wildest responses I've ever gotten. Del Toro is the perfect kind of filmmaking human: one who remembers his dreams and nightmares from childhood and manages to somehow transfer those memories into physical form in his movies. His works are not passive works of fantasy, but unforgiving, highly active endeavors that seem born out of every fear and wonderment we had as children and even as adults. Granted, the character of Hellboy is not a Del Toro creation (he and his world come from the mind of Mike Mignola), but the writer-director of HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY still manages to find ways in inject personal visions into this subversive, very funny and unbelievably imaginative film.

Look at Del Toro's version of "tooth fairies." You bet they'll take your teeth…and the rest of your bones and flesh. Even the sounds they make just moving around made the hair on my arm stand up. It's similar in look and sound to what Del Toro did with the fairies in PAN'S LABYRINTH, only these little critters have rows of big, sharp teeth. And the titular Golden Army is a bold and massive sight to behold. And when you see the Troll Market, you'll probably hold your breath and forget to blink for several minutes for fear of missing the sight of one grotesque creature after another paraded in front of you. The Troll Market might be Del Toro's masterpiece, if only because he doesn't call attention to it. He lets the creatures exit in the corners of the frame, and it's your job to find them. It's an absolutely astonishing sequence.

I suppose I should talk a bit about the story here. Ron Perlman returns as our favorite angst-ridden devil spawn. Selma Blair is back as his lady love, Liz, a fiery creature in every sense. And blessedly, not only is Doug Jones back as Abe Sapien (as well as two other characters), but he gets to use his own voice this time and gets to do a hell of a lot more in this film, including fight. One of my favorite plot elements is that Abe is all over this movie. I'd even go so far as to say that the film is as much about his development as it is about Hellboy, and that's about as cool as anything in this movie. The bond between Hellboy and Abe is finally made solid in this second outing; these guys are the best of friends. And there is a sequence involving many cans of beer and way too much Barry Manilow that will become a fan favorite.

Perhaps the single greatest aspect of HELLBOY II is the introduction of Dr. Johann Strauss to the Paranormal Research and Defense team. Fans of the Spider-Man comic books will immediately notice the Mysterio likeness, but the staunchly German accent (perfectly provided by Seth MacFarlane of "Family Guy") and his by-the-book approach make him a fantastic addition. In the reviews of this film I've read already, everyone seems in agreement that MacFarlane is dead-on in this role. Unlike some of my colleagues, I'm a dedicated "Family Guy" fan who views MacFarlane's inclusion in this film as vindication that the guy is more than the sum of his non sequiturs. Regardless, this misty creature/efficiency expert is a fantastic creation and addition to the team.

I also liked the brother-sister combo of Luke Goss (as chief baddie Prince Nuada) and his well-intentioned sister Princess Nuala (Anna Walton), who gets into a romantic entanglement with Abe Sapien. Nuada wants to collect the pieces of an ancient crown that will allow him to awaken the long-sleeping Golden Army and destroy the human race. Nuala escapes with the last piece of the crown and runs to Hellboy and Co. to help her keep it from her twin brother.

I was also in love with some of the more subtle elements of the plot (there aren't many). I liked the subtext about Hellboy wanting so desperately to be liked by the public and accidentally stumbling into situations while on assignment that put him in the crosshairs of many cell phone cameras and amateur videographers. His need for approval is a bit pathetic, and it's a personality flaw that is explored to a degree in this film, but needs a bit more airing out should a third film come along. Speaking of sequels, this film sets up what could be some really catastrophic situations if future films come down the pike. Sacrifices will be made, death will surely occur, and wild destruction will certainly rain down. The prospects laid out here are downright chilling. It goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway) that Del Toro is one of the world's few visionary directors. And as freakishly eager as I am for a couple of Hobbit movies and his next Spanish-language film, Del Toro's work on the HELLBOY movies will always stand as some of my favorite works by this modern master. HELLBOY II is filled with loads of humor, action, and a nasty sense of the way the world works, at least according to the mind of a strange and wonderful creator like Del Toro.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH 3-D

I'm deeply torn about this movie. It seems utterly bizarre that Brendan Fraser would release two films in the same summer (he has the third MUMMY movie coming soon) that are so similar in tone and approach. But if they're both good, all the better for audiences. Now I haven't seen THE MUMMY: TOMB OF THE DRAGON EMPEROR yet, so I can't judge it properly, but if it's anything like the previous two in the franchise, the special effects will look cheap and the jokes will be bad. Welcome to JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH, which casts Fraser as Trever Anderson, a college professor/scientist who takes his young nephew on a quest to find the boy's father(Trever's brother), who went missing months earlier. Turns out the missing scientist was part of a group of explorers who believed the books of Jules Verne were not science fiction, but an accurate account of adventures Verne went on in his lifetime and somehow survived. Right off the bat, I kind of liked the premise. What I didn't like is something that has always bothered me about Fraser's action works: the dude oversells everything, like he's acting to the back row. Every line is delivered at full volume and every gesture is overblown. It's a 3-D movie, buddy; the format does the work for you.

Anderson and his nephew follow clues that take them to Iceland, where they meet Hannah, the beautiful daughter (Anita Briem) of another scientist who worked with the missing father/brother and another disciple of Verne's work. As with the NATIONAL TREASURE films, the clues these adventurers follow are waiting for them in every book they open. These movies apparently don't believe in or don't have time for any kind of real research. Dan Brown has created a culture of lazy movie explorers. Eventually our heroes find their way to a hole in the ground where they fall to the molten core of the earth and die. Oh, no, wait. I'm sorry, that was just my fantasy brain kicking in. Actually, they do make it thousands of miles under the earth's surface to discover a lost world of strange creatures, weather phenomena and, of course, dinosaurs.

I will give first-time feature director Eric Brevig (a one-time visual effects supervisor) credit for knowing that he's got a lightweight story on his hands (courtesy of screenwriter Michael Weiss) and compensating by amping up the truly awesome 3-D elements. Nothing made me jump more than a tape measure extended right at my head. Of course, the POV shot from inside a bathroom sink as Fraser spits out a mouthful of foamy toothpaste, I could have lived without, but at least the filmmakers are trying to maximize the 3-D potential. That being said, the special effects don't just look bad; they look dated. The dinosaurs in the Discovery Channel's "Walking with Dinosaurs" look more believable. It's distracting how bad the creatures look, even the ones that are made up. The bigger problem for me is that I've never been a fan of action movies with kids in them. I kept having visions Short Round clinging to INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM. It didn't help that in JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH there is also a mine car/roller coaster segment. Great for the 3-D lover in me, but bad for the story.

I'm guessing that if you were in a forgiving mood when you were enduring INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL, you'll do alright watching Fraser going through similar motions. I'll admit that there are some interesting ideas floating around this film, but the entire production feels like an exercise in dumbing down the material for mass consumption. If you are still compelled to go see this movie, my only advice is to buy the biggest tub of popcorn and the largest surgery drink available, and turn the old brain off for 90 minutes. This is a classic case of me not being able to recommend the movie, but not absolutely despising it either. There are some films whose awfulness I will debate for days, but this isn't one of them. It's empty-headed, as many summer movies are, but it's just a little too much so for my tastes. I'm guessing kids are going to eat this shit up, and I think that's exactly the intention with JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH.

Capone
capone@aintitcoolmail.com