I am – Hercules!!


Don't believe those press reports telling you Barack Obama is appearing on tonight's SNL; he's busy dealing with Hurricane Ike.

The good news, according to network insider "The Phantom of 8H," is Tina Fey is indeed back at SNL tonight to play Sarah Palin.

11:30 p.m. Saturday. NBC.

UPDATED AGAIN!!

Look! Press release!

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

TINA FEY GUEST STARS ON “SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE” SEASON PREMIERE AS REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE GOV. SARAH PALIN

OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST SWIMMING PHENOM MICHAEL PHELPS HOSTS

New York, NY – September 13, 2008 – NBC's "Saturday Night Live" kicked off its 34th season with an eagerly anticipated political opening – featuring the reunion of the Weekend Update team of Amy Poehler and Tina Fey, playing Sen. Hillary Clinton and Republican VP candidate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, respectively.

The sketch, which was billed as "a non-partisan message" from the two female politicians was an "address on the ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign." The full transcript of the sketch will run below.

In addition to the Palin-Clinton sketch, record-breaking gold medalist Michael Phelps jumped into the comedy deep end, kicked off his acting debut performing in eight sketches and a digital short, with a monologue that was cheered on by his adoring mother Debbie (as played by Poehler...who was joined by his real mother) and focused on his many endorsement opportunities (for which he was coached by award-winning actor/commercial pitchman William Shatner, in a surprise cameo).

Phelps also essayed a wide variety of roles – from the familiar, playing a swimmer and himself as a talk show guest to Charles Barkley (Kenan Thompson) and diet pitchman (for his well-documented hyper-caloric training diet), to playing an aggressively awkward teenager opposite Kristen Wiig, as well as a woefully misinformed home school student competing in a high school quiz bowl.

The transcript of the Palin-Clinton sketch is below:

FEY AS PALIN: "Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "And I was told I would be addressing you alone."

FEY AS PALIN: "Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain's running mate."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama -- as evidenced by this button."

FEY AS PALIN: "But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about."

FEY AS PALIN: "You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everything..."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) "Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy."

FEY AS PALIN: "And I can see Russia from my house."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "I believe global warming is caused by man."

FEY AS PALIN: "And I believe it's just God hugging us closer."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine."

FEY AS PALIN: "I don't know what that is."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "But Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election."

FEY AS PALIN: "So please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "And stop saying I have cankles."

FEY AS PALIN: "Don't refer to me as a 'MILF.'"

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "And don't refer to me as a 'FLURJ.' I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it."

FEY AS PALIN: "So we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like 'pretty,' 'attractive,' 'beautiful.'"

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "'Harpy,' 'shrew' and 'boner shrinker.'"

FEY AS PALIN: "While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska..."What's the difference...

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "Lipstick."

FEY AS PALIN: "...between a hockey mom..."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "Lipstick."

FEY AS PALIN: "...and a pitbull?"

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "Lipstick."

FEY AS PALIN(AFTER A BEAT): "Lipstick. Just look at how far we've come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?"

POEHLER AS CLINTON: (AFTER A PAUSE)"I can not."

FEY AS PALIN: "It's truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree, that no matter your politics, it's time for a woman to make it to the White House."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "No. Mine! It's supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn't want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President and I just happen to be a woman. And I don't want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses."

FEY AS PALIN:
"What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska's crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "Anyone."

FEY AS PALIN: "All you have to do is want it."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: (LAUGHS) "Yeah, you know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I should have wanted it more." (RIPS OFF PIECE OF PODIUM)

FEY AS PALIN: "So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior."

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "Although it is never sexist to question female politicians credentials. Please ask this one about dinosaurs. So I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can't, I will lend you mine."

FEY AS PALIN: And as we say in Alaska...

POEHLER AS CLINTON: "We say it everywhere..."

FEY/POEHLER: "Live from New York, It's Saturday Night!!!

“Saturday Night Live” is from SNL Studios in association with Broadway Video. The creator and executive producer is Lorne Michaels. Steve Higgins produces. Marci Klein and Mike Shoemaker are producers. Seth Meyers is head writer. Don Roy King directs.

ORIGINAL POST:

Fey & Rudolph To Play Palin & Obama?? Meyers To Anchor Solo?? Belushi-Looking Guy Joins SNL Cast?? Herc Chats Up Lorne Michaels!!

“Saturday Night Live” mastermind Lorne Michaels joined Olympic superstar Michael Phelps, who will be hosting this weekend’s season opener, on a Thursday conference call for the press. Some of what we learned:

* There are “ongoing” discussions with Tina Fey to play Sarah Palin on the show, though newish cast member Casey Wilson read the Palin part in a sketch at Wednesday’s read-through.

* Michaels hopes to lure Maya Rudolph back to play Michelle Obama.

* New York improv vet Bobby Moynihan, who looks like he might compete with Artie Lange and Horatio Sanz in Hollywood auditions for the “Belushi” roles, joins the cast with Saturday’s episode.

* An unnamed female cast member will be added “probably later in the fall” to replace departing Amy Poehler (who has a baby due next month and will subsequently star in her new NBC sitcom), said Michaels.

* Despite her expectant nature, Amy Poehler may be seen playing Phelps’ mom this Saturday.

* Could Seth Meyers host Update solo subsequent to Poehler’s departure? “It’s certainly one of the possibilities,” said Michaels. “I think Seth’s been brilliant on Update.”

* Has Michaels considered who might be paired with Meyers on Update? “I think once we roll into October, I’ll deal realistically with Amy leaving and I’ll begin to think about it.”

* Though the NBC primetime specials planned for October are being billed as “SNL Weekend Update Thursday,” those specials are likely to feature non-Update sketch components. “I think there’ll be something,” said Michaels. “I think if we’re directly following a debate, I think we’ll do the debate. That kind of thing. I think whatever is the best half-hour we can put on, we’ll put on. We won’t save something for Saturday that we think might play better on Thursday.”

* A Phelps-centric Aquaman sketch survived Wednesday's read-through and remains in contention for Saturday’s show.

* Phelps said his favorite movie is “Tommy Boy” and that he’s a fan of Adam Sandler, Chris Farley and Farley’s Matt Foley “van down by the side of the river” sketches.

* Michaels expects more complete-season SNL DVD sets could be issued subsequent to the release of the fifth season (Bill Murray’s last), but doesn’t yet know if the next set would feature the widely-reviled 1980-1981 season overseen by Jean Doumanian. “It only took 25 or 30 years to get the first five years out. I don’t know where they’re going to pick it up after that,” said Michaels. “I don’t know if they’ll start in the ‘80s or ‘90s or relatively recently.”

Bobby Moynihan might be the guy on the bottom:

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