A Harry Knowles Production

Now comes my world.

The Day of Mutual Misery

This is a tale of two tails. Mine and his. Separated by miles, but joined by mutual pain in the ass. It happened not too long ago, and it shall not be forgotten for some time to come. Uncle Remus once said, "How can there be a tale where there is no tail?" A truer statement has never been uttered.

On this particular dark day I was at the CITY WIDE GARAGE SALE, selling away. Wheeling and dealing to either side. It was a pretty good day. As a matter of fact it was a Sunday. Which meant that we would have to load up at the end of the day and head home. The selling day came to a close and the loading commenced.

They have these large flatbed dollies for loading merchandise up with. Now mind you this is a process I have done hundreds of times. Always without incident. I loaded up the dolly and pushed it over to the ramp, and prepared to back it down the ramp and over to the TICK (remember that's the blue van from a couple of stories ago). I was at the top of the ramp and began to....

MEANWHILE

While Harry was at the show being the wonderful guy that he was, one of his bestest buddies, the ex-husband of Satan was taking care of his son, the cutest being the planet has beheld. Now this cutest being in the world had needs to be met throughout the course of the day. The child's battle cry is "FFFFRRRRRIIIIIIEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" meaning of course, "I want french fries now you pathetic mortal." By the way this baby with cuteness galore will be switching to the translation at any moment. After the typical day of madness and mayhem, which always entails defeating the ever despicable schemes of Satan herself, this bestest buddy of mine put the baby down to sleep. The kid clutched his Jurassic Park Dinosaur and put the Babe stuffed SHeep from MacDonalds into the awaiting jaws, and went to sleep.

This unnamed overly tasked individual decided to go downstairs and relax. After all being the single parent of the cutest hyperactive bulging eyed 2 year old is alot of work. He sat around, messed with the internet. Checking his newsgroups, eating chocolate cookies, playing with his way cool Boba Fett figure, downloading trailers from next weeks Babylon 5, while preparing to see the new episode of Bab 5 that night. When all of a sudden that feeling came. You know the one, lower abdomen pressure build which always perplexed you when you were 1 or 2, until Mom or Dad changed your diaper. Well as much as he needs a diaper, he got up and headed for the bathroom.

Now everytime I have been at his house he has closed the door, but since he was the sole person with mobility in the house, the baby is locked in his domed bed like a zoo animal, he left the door open. This particular bathroom is small, but comes equipped with a doggy dish and doggy water. Unbeknownst to him, Sparky - the dumbest mutt the world has not yet squished - decided to go behind him to munch on his doggy food. This bestest buddy of mine dropped his pants and was about to attempt to pee standing up. A hard and difficult task that we men have to master, but He is still learning. At this point Sparky -the rudest crotch sniffing and licking dog the world and this author wishes didn't exist- looked up at that pale split moon of his masters. The look on his face was very much a look of "huh look at that. What is that. Him I guess I will just look at it" you know dumb dog look. Just as the abdominal pressure was reaching the bursting level this bestest buddy of mine decided to just let it pour...

MEANWHILE

At that very moment I began my descent down the ramp with the dolly loaded with approximately 1200 lbs of merchandise. I began to do my usual let the momentum carry me back run, when just as I hit maximum speed, my foot hits a large hose that trips me, allowing the dolly to hit me at full speed knocking me on my elephantine buttocks then rolling on top of me. Finally the dolly and I came to a stop. I just laid there feeling miserable. I go to stand up, but I couldn't feel my legs. As a matter of fact I couldn't even stand. I begin to crawl back into the auditorium. Using the handrail I pull myself to my feet, which were numb, and begin to climb back into my booth. I round the corner and basically collapse on the first bleacher, unable to move further.

DAD

Harry stop fooling around.

HARRY

I'm hurt...

Dad just walks away. Looking around I try to lift my leg into the air and couldn't do it. Then I feel that my back is all crunched up so I reach back with my hands to behind my neck and pull my head forward into my sternum popping what sounded like 30 vertebras. My legs came back, I could feel my feet, but I was exhausted. When...

DAD

Harry, how come you didn't push the dolly all the way to the van?

I just looked at him and laid there...

MEANWHILE (as Harry was backing down the slope)

Bestest buddy began to relief the pressure as the dog is looking at his cracked moon when all of a sudden blood and liquid dung began spewing out upon him. Bestest buddy begins to shake as liquid sprays forth from all orifices. Sparky is in shock as spray after spray of bloody dung is flung at him. Sparky looks at his doggy dish also filled with dog chow in a nice bloody dung gravy and decides to leave. My trusty bestest bursting buddy leaves the bathroom spewing going for a phone. Bloody dung flying everywhere. He calls 911 and has them on the way. Will they get there in time. Will he be spared. He next calls Satan, to have her watch the cutest baby the world has known, while he is in the emergency room. While he is there lying spewing still more bloody dung in a violent cascade like a bloody orange OLD FAITHFUL, Satan tells him she can't. SO he calls mommy dearest, who is on her way.

AFTERMATH

My bestest buddy returned home that night, as did I. And as soon as we could we called each other.

HARRY

G-man, I've had a realllll bad day.

G-MAN

not near as bad as mine.

Then we told one another. At the time it seemed he won the battle of worst days, but since I am having to still walk with a cane months later, the decision is I had the worst day. Although his sounds like a Cecille B DeMille spectacle, mine sounds like something from Lon Chaney' s MIRACLE MAN. That is the story of two butts on a black day.

Home | News | Coaxial News | Reviews | Forums | Voices | Collectibles | Harry's World | Links | Pot Luck | Search | Contact

This site is © 1997 by Harry Jay Knowles